10.26.2002
What is Wrong With Me?
Seriously. I thought today was great. Really, I did.
Then I had yet another one of those overwhelming waves of depression that just absolutely drown you. I'm kinda floating along in the aftermath for the moment, but I can be such an ASS when I'm in the middle of it. It's worse than being drunk or other stuff, I'm sure...though I've never been in worse situation, so I can't acurately say.
And for those of you I hurt tonight by my sudden attitude change, I'm sorry. I can't express adequately enough how miserable I feel for doing that to you.
I took an online diagnosis and it turns out I'm in the danger end of depression. Who'd'a thunk it?
Me.
I just...*sighs heavily* I've never been open about my feelings...it was an unspoken rule in my house. And I stay at home a lot, because at home, people understand me. Sorta. The outside world doesn't understand me very well at all. When we got to talking tonight about loneliness and being left out, it just struck really really deep with me. I've been there for so long, and I've never told anyone.
Me? Yes, me, the "famous DigiQueen" and blah blah blah. Most people only like what I can do for them. They generally steer clear when they see what I'm like. My faith turns most off first, and my goofy nature tends to drive almost the rest of them away.
And I don't think I'm running from God anymore...but I'm holding Him at arm's length, which isn't too smart, either. I want to be loved, I want to fit in, I want to just be me, and not have to feel like I'm supposed to live up to anyone's expectations.
Sorry guys...I'm just not who I pretend to be...
Cera, I still love you. And I miss you. If there was some way I could help you feel comfortable with yourself again, you know I would. Love and prayers always, while God still grants me breath in this body.
10/26/2002 11:55:00 PM
10.23.2002
Random Thoughts
They say a heart can be stolen
Or simply giv'n away
Frankly, I'm not familiar with either
So I can't really say.
Did you know that, every time I meet someone, I personally feel as if we exchanged little tiny chunks of our hearts. Well, not in the tangible sense, but in the spiritual sense. The more I love someone, the larger the chunk is. Lately, though, I'm wondering if I'm getting cheated. Or if I'm giving too much. Or not enough.
I remember, when I was young, shortly after I learned about the truth surrounding my biological father, and after my elementary classes laughed at me for being a poor kid, the shame and hurt I felt was so incredibly powerful I decided to lock my heart away. Frankly, I didn't want to be contaminated with those kind of people.
I guess that explains why I am the way I am today. Why a scant few know the real me, the me that exists beyond the goofy, bubbly, seemingly ditzy act. Shock shock, that's right--it's an act. I'm trying to keep away the people that'll hurt me. Though, sometimes, I keep away people that I need. And sometimes, we forget that life has hurt, no matter what we do. God never said that we'd have an easy time on this earth--just a time that He'd promise He'd always be with us.
Sometimes I get lost in my own act, though, and forget to pull out of it. I'm still not sure who I am, really. That's because I've been giving away my heart, piece by piece, and replacing it with others' heart pieces. Strange as this sounds, it's a common practice--does the word "empathy'" ring a bell? So I'm not my own person, but rather, many people. When others hurt, I hurt. And, I guess, just maybe...when I hurt, they hurt? I hope not, but for the sake of knowing someone cares, I slightly do.
Having a heart of many pieces is strange, and sometimes painful, but other times exciting. Believe it or not, I've had times when I was in the midst of nothing in particular and was hit with a wave of sadness, finding out shortly after someone dear to me was hurt deeply. It works in the inverse, too, and in other odd ways. I feel connected to those people somehow...
Sometimes I wish my heart was still all mine, one unshared, never burdened with the sudden bursts of emotion from the other pieces. But then I remember the days of my youth, when it was one heart, and it hurt tremendously, weighed heavily by my own problems. I refused to let anyone help, because I felt if I opened up, and gave away a part of my heart, I'd lose it forever, leaving me with a broken heart.
Honestly, I prefer the shared pain to the solitary, for shared pain is easier to bare. And though I still fear from giving away parts of my heart, I know that most of the pieces I have given have made a difference for someone, just as their pieces have made a different for me.
Don't ask me why I typed this...just random thoughts from a goofy person.
10/23/2002 09:01:00 PM
10.20.2002
Ego Boost!
Well, I stumbled across this thanks to my buddy Cera! Check it out
Rolemodels of the OtakuBoards!
And select bits about yours truly, just so I can archive this and read it whenever I feel down.
Shaun Well, if it weren't for these boards, I'd have never made such good friends as Blanko_El_Miez, Cera, GinnyLyn, Shystor, and Shyguy just to name a few. I love it when we can all open a discussion without getting flamed, and I love to see everyone's art. Thanks to everyone who makes these Boards happen!
Cera Ginneh!--My big sis. ^^
James GinnyLyn: Brilliant artist, bubbly personality and gracious nature make Ginny a much loved member.
iggyI think Cera and Ginny would fit there
Rick Hunter/Kevin Hmm, well lets see I don't really have a role model though there are people I respect mutually on this board. Crazy White Boy, Ginny, Roxie, Death Knight, BabyGirl, Anime Lover...Thats about it I think...hmm ^_^
Renee Ginny- is the coolest! So nice...
Shinobi Ginny - Great artist
Deus Ginnylyn: General cool person and all-round Christian
More iggy Ginny Great Digimon Webby great poster and really good at giving advice
Cloud other people i respect: CWB, James, Cera, Justin, Safer, Desbreko, Animelover, Adam, BG, Semjaza Azazel, Final Flash, Ginny, July....
Sere Ginny: Everyone also loves Ginny.
Shyguy Ginny: I wouldn't have even stayed around on OB if you weren't so nice to the newbies. Bah, I can't even imagine being a newbie at this point.
Nerdsy Ginny- Ginny... Ginny is fun to talk to. She's just a great person
Janadou Ginny: You're my therapist Ginny! I love you too!
HyperShadow To all digi-peeps: You guys are so much fun, and I cant name them all
Wow, I can't believe so many peeps actually think something of me. Respect...wow, so that's what that feels like, heh.
My Turn!
I'm gonna start with everyone who made me feel good, and go from there. (Note: This doesn't mean I actually think everyone below is a role model, soooo...)
Shaun Kudos to the guy who just won't let me give up and helps me to recognize when God won't let me, either. It's nice to have close friends like that. Oh, he's cute too! ^^;
Cera My first, my best internet friend--I still feel that way, though some things have changed over the last few months. You've always reminded me that everything is not always fuzzy and happy, nor is it always dark nights and constant rain. More mature than I am, and I look up to you, really! I'm not going to forget you at all. Promise.
James Wow, for the Boards, my friend. And for being so forgiving. I still stand on my opinions, and you respect that (for the most part, ha ha!). For that, I thank you.
iggy Ever faithful iggy.
Rick Hunter/Kevin Bow before the Anime God! Helps to remind me that we're all human, but we all deserve a little respect, too. Yay, Kev!
Renee The girl who started me on my Ichijouji Ken obsession. ^^;
Shinobi Fellow great artist. Part of the reason I became happily vocal in the Art Forum before I was locked into OBBII.
Deus Cool person. Reminds me change can happen to anyone, and we can still be gracious about it. :)
More iggy Hi iggy, you're awesome!
Cloud Cloud is definitely one of the more intelligent posters and writers. I'm trying to RPG at his level.
Sere Definitely a fun person to have around, Sere's always got something nice to say.
Shyguy Shyguy--the guy I kept confusing Shaun with for the longest time (not a prob anymore). Shy's not shy, but does a wonderful job webmastering (though I admire, I'm no longer for hire, for I'm tire-d out). He's always keeps us on topic, too.
Nerdsy My fellow FF/Digimon/Pokémon/any kid fad lover! What would I do without you? One of the few people who actually lets me rant about Auron (AURON, YAY!). He keeps me in line with all my obsessions, heh.
Janadou Another fun person to have around! An up and coming artist!
HyperShadow Whee hee, you want someone who keeps the talk going, well here you go! Yay, Hyper!
At the risk of repeating myself, let me throw in a few more names:
Blanko/Flora: Can't forget about her, no no! She's got some creative ideas for Digimon.
Jamal: My buddy from school. I totally admire his art, and aspire to be as good as him, someday...
James Hall: Not James from OB, but my local friend James. A good friend, an even better Christian scholar. Helps me when I need it. I don't know what I'd do without him!
Gundy: Reminds me to laugh. Makes me laugh. ^-^ Also reminds me that I shouldn't let life happen to me, but I should happen to life!
Ron: Well...although not exactly inspiring in the way that you think, he has definitely had an impact on my life. He's like a second dad to me....well, I kinda "disown" him when he's on the warpath, but you know...=^_^=
GOD: well, this goes without saying. I'm aspiring to be what God has called me to be--more like Jesus in my life walk. I'm far from perfect, but the cool thing is, He loves me anyway! I eagerly await the day I get to go back Home to Him--God knows I can't stand this crummy world at times.
There are probably more, but I'm tired and want to go to bed.
10/20/2002 10:54:00 PM
Feeling lazy, so here are more personality quizzes
And What Movie Villain are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
A different quiz, what strange type of person are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
---What fast food condiment are you?---
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*Are You in Love?*
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How Emotional Are You?
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10/20/2002 06:16:00 PM
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