11.09.2002
On some sort of road to recovery...
Well, even though it's totally flipped my world into a crazy tilt that I've never really thought about before, being diagnosed with depression is, strangely enough, comforting. Well, I don't like being diagnosed as such, doy. But somehow, knowing that it's not just me, and that I'm just a screwed up person...it helps. If that makes sense?
I haven't told many people yet. Just knowing myself has taken some sort of heavy pressure off of me. I mean, I'm not trying to excuse my behavior, but at least I'm finally getting help. I also haven't told many people yet because I sorta want to keep living as I was before I was diagnosed. Which, in retrospect, is pretty depressing, but I mean getting back to myself during the non-depressing parts.
The last day or two, I've been making sure I keep moving, that I'm doing something to keep my mind occupied, so it won't dwell on the depression. Denial? Maybe. Helpful. Somewhat, till I start slipping into those dark moments. But, with any kind of love and mercy from the Lord (and He gives, I promise you), I'll be on the up an up.
I had a teacher once that was diagnosed with clinical depression. She told us that it's something you never get over--an ongoing illness that must be fought with every day. And that is somewhat bleak and depressing, but, with all the strength and prayers you all have been sending me, I will, with God's help, fight to cope, fight to overcome. (Blehh, sounding like a bad commercial now.)
Well, just thought I'd type that for heck of it. And if you ever think you need help, please get it. It helped me tremendously.
11/09/2002 11:10:00 PM
11.08.2002
To Shaun
All I can say, is enjoy tomorrow's celebration. You deserve it, buddy! ;)
11/08/2002 11:38:00 PM
stuff. It didn't post all this earlier.
11/08/2002 09:33:00 AM
And the truth comes out...
Been officially classified as clinically depressed. So there.
For all of you who think it had something to do with you, quit it. This is all about me. It's been a looong life ever since my uncle died, and I've finally gotten help. For those of you who have known me for over a year, you know I don't normally have these constant periods of sadness. But two major bouts in three weeks was too much for me. Crying my eyes until 1am in the morning for the last week was too much for me.
Anyways, going from a life long label of "cheerful girl, a joy to be around" to someone whose brain chemicals are messed up in the head is beyond depressing and it hurts my pride and self esteem (not that I had much to begin with, but still). I didn't tell any of you because of my natural instinct to hide my problems, so you won't be hurt by them. I'd much rather die than see any of you hurt...and what I still fail to see, due to my depression, is that you all are still hurt when I don't share and remain in misery.
Please give me one more day to get used to this new fact in my life...it hurts terribly, like I said. And I never meant to hurt any of you...blah blah blah...my usual lame excuse for everything... It's always been hard to find people who I really feel I can be myself around, and I am so fiercely protective of you all and...pffft....I dunno where I'm going with this...off to work for now, then...
With my love and my prayers,
Ginny
11/08/2002 09:33:00 AM
And the truth comes out...
Dear You,
Been officially classified as clinically depressed. So there.
For all of you who think it had something to do with you, quit it. This is all about me. It's been a looong life ever since my uncle died, and I've finally gotten help. For those of you who have known me for over a year, you know I don't normally have these constant periods of sadness. But two major bouts in three weeks was too much for me. Crying my eyes until 1am in the morning for the last week was too much for me.
And if you go Oct. 27, that awful Sunday, and there was another one, I think....you'll sorta see why I wanted to run. I'm not saying that was the best solution, but you all need to understand--when I have a problem, my natural instinct is to hide it and to not hurt anyone with it. I'd rather see me get hurt that any of you. And my depression has kept me from seeing that you still get hurt, regardless, because you actually care about me...you're not those people who are just nice to me until I go away.
Still...I need some time alone...it hurts my pride to know that the girl who was described as "cheerful, and a joy to be around" is now thought to be messed up in the brain. I will come back as soon as I am ready...but too soon may make it worse...
Love you all,
Ginny
11/08/2002 09:26:00 AM
Why the Hades not?
You people--I can't believe you! Why won't you let me wallow in misery? Why can't I just be left in broken hearted peace?
...why can't I see all your love when I'm not in the darkest pits?...
It's true your words...they touch deeply. They open my heart to be reformed by the Lord. But...my human nature says it is not enough...and so...I must wait for the doctor. And the analysis.
Until then, I love your for your love, loving me even when I'm being a bratty ass like I am right now, but I am more afraid of hurting any of you by being with you right now. Please understand.
...please keep loving me...
11/08/2002 12:01:00 AM
11.07.2002
I'm going down, and I ain't taking anyone with me. This is something I got to sort out on my own.
...not that anyone cares...
11/07/2002 09:30:00 PM
11.06.2002
Today's Mood
Shamed. Hurt. Angry. Upset. Neglected.
Disappointed. Any and all adjectived synonyms or variations of aforementioned words.
11/06/2002 10:21:00 PM
Growing older is mandatory. Growing up is optional.
11/06/2002 04:01:00 PM
I was walkin' round, trying to put it down in total darkness
Didn't feel the need to get on my knees
What's this you're talking?
No one could tell nothing that helped me out before
But when the sunlight came and stopped the rain
I was standing with the Lord... "Jump, Jump, Jump" (True Vibe)
I can see you're hurting
Trying to hide your fear and pain
You feel a hunger and an emptiness
That you cannot explain
I can give you freedom
There's a whole new kind of life
That's waiting if you open up the door
I can give you more
All that you hope for
Put your trust in Me and you will see
That I am all you need
I can set you free
Just reach out to Me
I have made the sacrifice for Paradise
That waits in store
I can give you more
All your doubt and heartache
You can leave the past behind
I'm the answers to the questions
That are weighing on your mind
I'll be waiting for you
Here with open arms to give you love
Like you have never known before
I can give you more
All that you hope for
Put your trust in Me and you will see
That I am all you need
I can set you free
Just reach out to Me
I have made the sacrifice for Paradise
That waits in store
I can give you more
More than you could ever dream
I'll be there night and day
If you put all your faith and hope in Me
Eternity is just a prayer away
I can give you more
All that you hope for
Put your trust in Me and you will see
That I am all you need
I can set you free
Just reach out to Me
I have made the sacrifice for Paradise
That waits in store
I can give you more "Give You More" (True Vibe)
11/06/2002 02:13:00 PM
11.04.2002
Getting whiney...
Do you have ANY idea how much my hand hurts right now...huh huh, doya doya?
*ignores the "Well, stop TYPING then!" comment*
Well, I had to miss class...I nearly had a fit at work. Rondo's way of fixing it?
"Awww, does wikkle Ginny want Won to kiss the widdle boo-boo?"
O_o;;;; Scary.
more Rondo: "I was in the millitary, learned first aid from there. The way I see it, if you ain't bleeding down to your arm, you're FINE!"
Great, but what if I'm bleeding down to my knee instead? -_-;
He complimented me on still working hard even after getting burned. (And man, was it EVER a busy day! Though I had to keep running back to the kitchen every three minutes to get a new icecube--the burn hurt to distraction!)
11/04/2002 10:17:00 PM
What's good, what's bad
Tonight I met Tara, Shaun's friend. That's good!
Buuut, as fate would have it, I burned my hand today. (Um, that's bad, duh. ^^)
Everyone's getting along great--that's good.
Except my hand's slowing me down typing wise--that's bad.
I'm almost done with the MetalSilphymon piccie...good.
But seeing as how my hand HURTS, it's taking awhile...bad.
Don't even ask how long this one blog entry took to type. Else I might slap you with a pillow when my hand gets better. Good for me, bad for you! *dark grin*
*wanders off to find ice water for her hand*
11/04/2002 10:07:00 PM
Random Quote
Shogirl99: I guess I won't post again till thongs get back on track.
Oh hee hee hee....
11/04/2002 09:16:00 PM
11.03.2002
Another personality test
You'll probably love eneri.net.
Which Koi Variety Are You?
11/03/2002 04:55:00 PM
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