11.15.2002
God had the solution all along
I recall my pastor giving a sermon once, years ago. He was talking about emotional suffering (like what a lot of us have been going through here lately), and how to "get past it".
"Imagine," he said, "imagine if you will, a swimmer at the beach, having a good time. But the swimmer goes out a little too far. The undercurrents begin to drag the swimmer out. Terrified of the possible outcome, terrified that he has no control over his life at that moment, he fights--to no advail. Either he or someone else calls for help--probably someone, because the swimmer is too busy trying to stay afloat. Help arrives in the form of a lifeguard, who instantly plunges in with a lifesaver. The lifeguard puts an arm around the swimmer, but can't save him until the swimmer does the one thing he is terrified to do--to stop struggling. You see, if the swimmer continues to struggle and fight the current, he'll not only drown, but he'll pull the lifeguard down with him. In order to survive, he must give up and rely completely on the lifeguard to save him."
I know everyone's advice was well meant and all, but that was what I needed to hear (thank you, God). After that terrifying...whatever it was...last night, I knew something was going on, and I was letting it. I couldn't win my struggle alone. I had to give up and rely on God's strength, which is the perfect strength. After all, we are just human.
11/15/2002 02:23:00 PM
I just don't get it...
I don't. I really don't. At work, I'm fine. At home, I'm fine (except for those 1am crying fits). At school, I'm fine.
So why is it, whenever I come near my internet friends, who I love DEARLY, I'm not?
Having best friends, or close ones, or at least ones that listen to you, is supposed to help you. Yet I've walked away with more heartache and anguish this week than I thought possible.
Tell me that it's just a part of the healing process that comes with telling deepest feelings and secrets. Tell me that you still love me, even though I'm conpletely lost and acting so not like a friend right now.
God, please help me...I don't think I can take this anymore.
11/15/2002 09:51:00 AM
11.14.2002
This is for me and me alone
Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I will focus on the new day and all of the happy memories I have stored away... just for this time in my life. Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you have already put in.
I believe that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I believe that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I believe that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
I believe that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
I believe that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
I believe that you can keep going, long after you can't.
I believe that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
I believe that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I believe that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I believe that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.
I believe that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I believe that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
I believe that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I believe that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I believe that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.
I believe that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.
I believe that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
I believe that people who don't even know you can change your life in a matter of hours.
I believe that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.
I believe that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.
11/14/2002 09:05:00 PM
...?!?
I just had the most gastly experience on the way home. In the midst of my Christian music, I was trying to sort my feelings out, and I kept coming back to my negative thoughts (which I am sure you are all familiar with by now...). And I know that these negative thoughts wouldn't be anywhere near me this time last year. Somehow, my heart screamed "LEAVE ME ALONE!"
...and something spiritually sickening seemed to peel off of me slowly...my head first. I was terrified, to say the least. My head sorta still feels free, but my body feels like it's still...stuck. It's best way I can explain it...
11/14/2002 08:34:00 PM
Relevant thought? I think not...
I want to be a recluse now. I can pass it off as part of my artistic endeavor (and I'll get more art done that way, too). Hey, most famous artists WERE pretty much drawn away from most of society.
Why a recluse?
--I won't feel stupid for not keeping up with tv/movies/clothes/what have you.
--I won't feel stupid for garbling words, being continuously clumsy, or being plain clueless, too goofy, or too passionate about my beliefs.
--I won't be hurt by anyone's words (inversely, I won't be lifted up by them, either, but these days, the lifted up part fades quicker and quicker).
--Because I don't know how to love anyone. Seriously, people say I can't love anyone 'cause I don't love myself (prolly true). But after my 21st year, I've grown emotionally cold. I just don't care anymore. Shaun said I was still in mourning over my uncle; yes, I cared about him, yes, he let me live my own way instead of forcing society's way of life on me, but the thing is--well, it's one of those "take-it-to-the-grave" secrets. A love that politely respected him in the later years so that he would not cause any more deep secrets...or tell anyone, either. The only love I seem to be able to recognize as genuine right now is God's. And that's all I deem to say on it. Now to disappear....I may be on AIM tonight...maybe...I dunno...
pfft.
11/14/2002 03:37:00 PM
MIA/AWOL/etc etc
Tonight school will be running late, owing to the fact that I'm being evaluated tonight. *shudder*
Tomorrow night I'm going to see my brother in his play.
Sat night I'm working.
So I will see all of you when I see all of you. ^_~
11/14/2002 09:08:00 AM
11.13.2002
Only Fitting...
Bill Gates tragically died in a car accident. Arriving at the Pearly Gates, he finds himself being sized up by St. Peter.
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before...I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."
"So what's the difference between the two?" Bill asked.
St. Peter said, "I could let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."
"Fine! Where should I go first?"
"You decide."
"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."
So Bill Gates went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with
clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water,
laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect.
He was very pleased.
"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is Hell, I'd REALLY like
to see Heaven!"
"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the
clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice,
but nothing like Hell. It didn't take long for Bill to reach his decision.
"I think I prefer Hell," he told St. Peter. So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to
see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled
to a wall, screaming among hot flames in a dark cave, being burned and
tortured by demons.
"How's everything going?" he asked Bill Gates. His voice filled with
anguish an disappointment, Bill responded, "This is awful! This is
nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is
happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches,
the scantily-clad women playing in the water?"
"Oh, that was a demo," replied St. Peter, "This is the release version."
And in Other News...
TRUE Newspaper Headlines...OY!
Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link
-Cornell Daily Sun, December 7, 1995
Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut
-The New York Times, November 22
Alcohol ads promote drinking.
-The Hartford Courant, November 18
Official: Only rain will cure drought.
-The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts
Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men.
-The Sunday Oregonian, September 24
Man shoots neighbor with machete.
-The Miami Herald, July 3
Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows.
-The New York Times, March 10
Scientists see quakes in L.A. future.
-The Oregonian, January 28
Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold.
-Lexington Herald-Leader, January 26
Bible church's focus is the Bible.
-Saint Augustine Record, Florida, December 3, 1994
Discoveries: Older blacks have edge in longevity.
-The Chicago Tribune, March 5
Lack of brains hinders research.
-The Columbus Dispatch, April 16
Fish lurk in streams.
-Rochester, New York, Democrat & Chronicle, January 29
11/13/2002 11:11:00 PM
And now for the real stuff
When it comes to thanking someone else for how they helped me, i just get tongue tied. There just aren't enough words, with enough power and meaning, to say what I feel. So believe me when I use all my heart to say this:
Thank you.
Monday night was, for me, one of those life changing nights. An ephiphany? No, what is it...a quantum leap. I can honestly say I've changed a lot in my 21st year, but mostly for the bad. It's been a very difficult summer, and...well, so on and so on. But I think I'm FINALLY out of the woods (over the past few months, I keep having moments like that, but THIS time--!). I've finally heard something I can use--something I can work on. Well, funny thing is, I've heard it all before, but, for once, it hit home. And it stayed there. So now, I'm working on loving myself for me, and working on trust (which means not being so self-reliant, and you can imagine how rough that is). And I guess, ever since my uncle died, I've been mad at God...just 'cause. Which explains my "character shift". Up until early 2002, I always thought that, as long as I did what I was told by church and family, it would give me immunity to the bad stuff in life. WRONG. And that's what I spent all summer figuring out--why did the bad stuff have to happen?
And, though I don't have a full answer or much of one, really, I DO know that God and I are still gonna be together, no matter what. Regardless of what happens on this earth. That's freed up some of the tension on me. And I've begun to cheer up tremendously the last few days, what with chasing away every hint of a negative thought on myself. It's a continual process, but hey, at least it is working. (Several people have already noticed a difference.)
Finally, I kinda...heh...sorta, not really told my doctor off. Since I don't really get medication or whatnot, I told him I had his number and see ya later. Funny thing is, he pretended to hvae that in mind all along! oO--?!? Ah well, that cheered me up, too. Heh.
11/13/2002 03:50:00 PM
What's in the Stereo?
My recommendations for good songs (and yes, they are all Christian ones).
Somebody's Watching (TobyMac) Not really rap music, but has a good beat and message.
Jump, Jump, Jump (True Vibe) A dancer; good beat and lyrics.
You Are the Way (True Vibe) The type you sing to in your car on the way to work (a singer).
Give You More (True Vibe) Another singer type, but this one carries a strong message. This is one of my personal favorites right now.
Shackles (Praise You) (Mary Mary) A dancer; I even made my own dance to this one! ^_~
Unforgetful You (Jars of Clay) A singer, and the song that proved I'm not just an alto.
Reborn (Rebecca St. James) Not quite a dancer, more like a foot tapper, but has a lively beat.
Don't Look at Me (Stacie Orrico) A dancer with a good beat; I have a dance to this one, too! =^^=
Where I want to be (V*ENNA) Sorta a dancer, nice thick beat.
Wonder Why (Avalon) A dancer and a singer. I have a dance to this one.
Back in His Arms again (Mark Schultz) Powerful one--I never get tired of listening to this one.
Breathe (Live) (Michael W. Smith) A common church song right now; the chorus vocals and violins near the end are beautiful.
Wait for me (Rebecca St. James) A slowish dancer, and a sweet song about love. I sorta have a dance to this one.
Into Jesus (dc Talk) A slow singer, but strong. Got an interpretive dance for this one.
Entertaining Angels (Newsboys) Anything by the Newsboys is always fun to listen to.
Love me good (Michael W. Smith) Good beat, fun dancer.
Written on my Heart (PlusOne) I never get tired of this one, either. A dancer, a singer, and yes, I have a dance for this one! (Good thing no one ever sees me!)
The Promise (PlusOne) A powerful singer, very nice one.
Here in my heart (PlusOne) A sweet love song.
My Friend (PlusOne) I used this song to see my friend James off to his new life. A tearjerker, when used in that sense.
Dive (Steven Curtis Chapman) Definitely a dancer--I know I got one for it!
This is your Time (Michael W. Smith) In memory of Columbine, a powerful song.
Always Have, Always Will (Avalon) A singer, and I like this one.
I am the Way (Mark Schultz) Powerful, lovely.
Free (Ginny Owens) This is my identity song, I swear! Heh, anyways, a dancer, a singer.
Redeemer (Nichole C. Mullen) Just plain beautiful.
Every Time I Fall (Jaci Velasquez) A dancer--got one for this one, too!
Imagine me without You (Jaci Velasquez) Very pretty.
Live Out Loud (Steven Curtis Chapman) THE dancer and singer of the year! Definitely a fun one!
The Glory (Avalon) Just plain beautiful. A tearjerker, too.
With all of my Heart (ZOEgirl) A dancer.
Remember Me (Mark Schultz) Very pretty, especially the harmonies.
Call on Jesus (Nichole C. Mullen) Powerful singer one, good one to listen to.
PHEW! And this just covers what I own--not what I hear on the radio, too! Heh, I'll do that list later on this week. ;)
11/13/2002 03:36:00 PM
Recommended Sites for a good laugh
Sluggy Freelance (www.sluggy.com) This is a daily comic about Torg, Riff, BunBun, Kiki, Aylee, and others. While the early talk about selling your soul on the Internet may discourage some, this comic is light hearted and fun to read. (Contains some language, vampires, implied nudity, demon possessions, and other stuff that'll rot your soul. ^_^)
Homestar Runner (www.homestarrunner.com) A site dedicated to the wonders of Flash and Illustrator, this is a fun site. From shorts to games to even a Dear Abby mockup (Strong Bad emails--a highly recommended section), this site truly is, again, fun! Not recommended for computers without Flash or decent audio/visual abilites. (Contains repeated use of the word crap, and one religiously offensive holiday short.)
Bob and George the Comic (www.bobandgeorge.com) Who hasn't heard of Bob and George?! One of the first sites to create sprite comics, this site is in its third year and still running. There are a few special comics that require Flash, but those are few and far between. This site also hosts a number of fancomics as well (must be MegaMan sprite related, however). (Contains strong language ("f" is used once somewhat early on) and a whole lotta sprites.)
Do you have a site that you wish to recommend? Email me at kehho@hotmail.com !
11/13/2002 02:58:00 PM
11.11.2002
And in Other News...
...everyone else is also suffering. :X Golly. I'm praying, naturally.
And I'm about to make it worse, I reckon...
Doctor says that a source of my distress is coming from being on the Internet so much. I tried to explain that I'm a junkie, that's just the way I am, but nooooooo...I gotta cut down more each day till I am no longer on. Meh.
"There's always phones and letters."
Meh.
So, like everyone else is saying in their bloggers, if you see less of me--hey wait! What's the point of saying that if we are all going AWOL? -_-;
So...I guess...see ya when I see ya...
In a Flash
Pastor Hadley gave a major sermon on Jesus' 2nd return yesterday--the fact that He'll come when we least expect it. And I want to cut down on regrets when it is time, so:
God loves you--enough to give His perfect Son so we could go to heaven,
I appreciate you--you have had an incredible impact on my life and I can't thank you enough,
I'm sorry--for whatever I have done to hurt you.
"Oh how I long for the Day/when we'll fly away..." FFH
11/11/2002 09:46:00 AM
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