12.14.2002
Right now, play by play
I'm TALKING TO SARA! Life is gooood. *BIG grin*
Yesterday was D-M's 18th navel day, in case some of you goobers forgot! ;)
I'm wondering where Flora got off to...three days and counting, yet she is posting on OB...
Waiting for Shaun to get back from his party...
Thinking about life in general...
Reading Des' newest Blog post.
Smirking at Lance for reading the same one over again, heh.
And so life goes on...
12/14/2002 10:27:00 PM
12.13.2002
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KRISSY-CHAN! heh, I can get away with calling you that here, for this is MY blog, heh.
May you enjoy the second step into adulthood, with the first being the 16th, heh. Get that job, be proud to vote, and drive around...at least, that's what we get to do here, anyway. ^^;
again, HAPPY B-DAY!
12/13/2002 11:07:00 PM
Editting Template.
Lance, just letting you know that your Blog link is in danger of slipping off my page if you don't update soon. ^_^;
Today, I added Desbreko's Blog.
12/13/2002 10:53:00 PM
Give You More
(Jonathan Lippmann, Devon Biere, Joe P.)
I can see you're hurting
Trying to hide your fear and pain
You feel a hunger and an emptiness
That you cannot explain
I can give you freedom
There's a whole new kind of life
That's waiting if you open up the door
I can give you more
All that you hope for
Put your trust in Me and you will see
That I am all you need
I can set you free
Just reach out to Me
I have made the sacrifice for paradise
That waits in store
I can give you more
All your doubt and heartache
You can leave the past behind
I'm the answers to the questions
That are weighing on your mind
I'll be waiting for you
Here with open arms to give you love
Like you have never known before
I can give you more
All that you hope for
Put your trust in Me and you will see
That I am all you need
I can set you free
Just reach out to Me
I have made the sacrifice for paradise
That waits in store
I can give you more
More than you could ever dream
I'll be there night and day
If you put all your faith and hope in Me
Eternity is just a prayer away
I can give you more (Give you more)
All that you hope for (You hope for)
Put your trust in Me and you will see (just trust Me)
That I am all you need
I can set you free (set you free)
Just reach out to Me (reach for Me)
I have made the sacrifice for paradise (just trust Me)
That waits in store
I can give you more
(If you have not heard this song yet, I highly recommend you do.)
12/13/2002 03:58:00 PM
A Video Game Analogy
I was playing ChronoCross the other night, and I've gotten to the part where you have to fight Dario. So few of you have played this game, so I'll explain (and the explaining brings out part of the analogy).
Dario (a Deva Dragoon knight) and Glenn (both brothers), Karsh (also a Deva Dragoon), and Lady Riddel (daughter of the General of the Deva Dragoons) all grew up together; Glenn was the baby of the group, Dario was the gentleman, and both he and Karsh cared for Riddel deeply. One day, while the Deva Dragoons searched for the Frozen Flame, they discovered the corrupted Masamune; when Dario touched it, he was possessed by darkness, and threatened to kill Karsh if Karsh did not stop him. Karsh refused until the possessed Dario swore he'd slay Riddel; Karsh's reaction was instant. Riddel never knew the truth, and Dario disappeared for four years.
During the course of the game, you discover a tiny island, hidden away from the rest of the world and its sorrows. A moss covered cottage sits in the middle, where an elderly lady cares for a young man. Riddel instantly recognises him as Dario, and holds out the Momento (sp) Pendant, their engagement present. At first, Dario seems ok, but the Masamune reappears, and Dario's eyes glow darkly. Before he possessed completely again, he whispers to Riddel to run, to leave him be, to never visit the island again and to get on with her life. Riddel knows there is still good in him, and refuses to budge.
A warning swipe from Masamume throws them all outside, and the completely possessed Dario stalks toward the group. At this point, Riddel's courage begins to flee her, as she realises she must fight him to free him. She wants to run now, but Dario has them cornered, and there's nowhere to run. Naturally, this leads to what is know as a boss battle. Interestingly enough, Riddel's drop in attack points reflects her desire not to hurt her fiance; incidentally, she's also the only one that can attack safely without Dario killing the character in one hit.
Now, if you are still with me here and understood all that, I'm sure you can draw your own connections. I know I did.
For those of you not quite sure what I am hinting at here
Everyone has a purpose. Everyone is special in their own way, and God made them for a reason. Everyone is cared about by everyone else, and you'll forgive my bluntness here, but any thought to the contrary is WRONG. Period.
We all start out with our lives to mold and shape as we please, and as we search for the meaning to our lives, we sometimes come across problems--bigger and nastier than anything we've faced before. And in the course of these problems, we do things and say things that we do not mean, that we would never say otherwise.
In a way, we let whatever it is possess us.
Some of us run. I know I did at times, still do. Yet the ones that care for us still find us. And though it may seem like everything will be ok again, the problem, the secret, whatever it was that weighed us down--it comes back. And it makes us wish we had been left alone, so the problem, though still present, could remain dormant.
The hardest thing for anyone to do is to show they care. Seriously. And sometimes the solution to a problem involves pain--not physical, so much as emotional. Being told something you don't want to hear. Being told what you are doing is wrong. And the caring people want to run, want to spare you as much pain as possible, too. But sometimes, the best way to fix something is to take it head on. Leaving it alone only makes it worse.
Now, I'm not hinting at anyone here. Everyone has their problems, including me. And I hope and pray that I can be a difference for someone, a Riddel for a Dario. Do understand that the Net is, more and more, becoming a depressing place for me, and, though I wish I could solve everyone's problems, I can't. Responsibilities need to be taken, and life needs to move on; staying trapped in a negative mindset for any amount of time is not good. I myself am still learning that.
Just remember that God loves you, and so do I.
12/13/2002 08:59:00 AM
12.12.2002
I waited for you...but you never came.
A lonely world it is indeed...
12/12/2002 06:14:00 PM
12.11.2002
What's going on?
I sat down to have my devotion last night after I got off of AIM--something I haven't done in a few weeks. The basic message was that hope springs eternal.
I also remember that we Christians are in a spiritual war with satan and his demons. And everytime I listen to his deceptive whispers about my purpose in life, about my faith, about anything, then he's winning. And I can't let him do that.
I've had an incredible burst of faith again last night, and I know that there is some stuff I just can't know. I know there are times when I sin. But frankly, Jesus keeps telling me He loves me. It doesn't mean He approves of what I'm doing, but I do know He always provides a way out and He's always waiting. I've tried to push Him away so many times, but He keeps coming back. And for that, my faith and love are renewed.
I've been speaking to Deus about starting an online believers group, one that will help us all to be able to support each other. And that, I think, is the only thing that is keeping me on the Net. I DO care about my friends, but I need more. I can't play the cheerful, pick me up goofball forever, for I need somewhere to recharge myself. Deus thinks a lot of us Christians are doubting our faith because satan is so eager to get us to fall. And right now, in the holiday season, he's fighting harder than ever to make sure that we don't share the REAL reason for the season. I haven't been doing too well the last few weeks--but sure as heck, with the help of God (and He DOES help, just please pray for it), I'm gonna get better.
Thank you, Deus. Truly inspirationl, you are. :)
12/11/2002 09:06:00 AM
12.10.2002
What's wrong now?
Heck if I know...I got everything done that I needed to.
But somehow...I feel...left out? Out of it? Something? Anything?
I'm in a chatroom right now and I still feel...left out...what's going on?
12/10/2002 11:20:00 PM
Josh--
Of COURSE we read your blog, silly! And I haven't been on AIM 'cause I've had finals--please don't hold it against me.
Anyways, I usually use the links in other people's blogs to get to OTHER people's blogs, and yours work fine. Just thought I'd let you know. :-D
12/10/2002 07:46:00 PM
Depending on Finals, I may or may not be on tonight.
But don't give me stuff if I'm not.
I'm getting enough *bleep* offa my managers for not going to the party last night.
So, if I show up tonight, please proceed with caution.
That is all.
12/10/2002 07:42:00 PM
Delete file "Emotions.doc"
I want to scream
I want to cry
I want to sit and wonder why.
I want to run
I want to stay
I want the answers right away.
Leave me
Love me
Hate me
Love me
Ignore me
Love me
Me
me
I need to love me first.
Tasks first
Hearts last
Do you care
Can I trust you?
Can I trust myself?
Where do I go from here?
Where do any of us go from here?
Don't guilt me
Don't shame me
Just guide me
Or love me
Leave me
or hate me
Love me
or love me.
Pray
pray
I come back to pray.
And it all comes back to God.
be with me, Father, as I live Your will.
As I eager await the day I can come Home.
How I want to come Home
So I can delete the file
So I will worry no more.
12/10/2002 07:41:00 PM
Welcome to the Life of the Idiot AKA The Straw that broke the Camel's Back
OK, not complete idiot. But I'm responding to someone, and the someone knows who. I wholeheartedly forgive them for something that was not (completely) their fault.
Frankly, it had been a long weekend, and I was tired of people telling me what to do. It did not help when my mother joined in, and banned me from AIM. By that time I was too sick to care.
Joke or not, I should explain that that is a touchy subject for me, one I have to put up with all the time. (It's part of the reason I moved away from the other church--too many people cared about where I was going, but not how I was doing.) Everyone else I talked to seem to take it ok. Again, it was a badly timed jest, and I blew up, yes. But I'm stupid like that. I act on emotion, not reason.
I really do think I need to give up the internet, for what I talked to Flora and Kev about yesterday. Over the past few days, things happened. And it seemed that a lot of people were doing ok without me. Now, mind, I am NOT getting suicidal--No, I'm NOT. It's just...Flora, you think you feel left out? The more and more I get online, the more and more I wish I didn't.
I avoided my job's Christmas party last night. I know Ron's gonna yell at me for that. Viable excuse: finals. Which is true. But the truth hides in that--I'm socially retarded. Gravity hates me, my tongue twists incomprehensibles, I'm extremely clumsy, I'm absent of common sense, and I'd just be hiding in the dark corner anyways. I'm not saying that as a down on me, it's just fact. I'm still lost in doing stuff for people so they will leave me alone. And maybe that's who I am--who I will ever be--the little loyal, hardworking, anti-social peon. I don't want to be alone, but I do--I hate making a fool and an idiot out of myself, which, if that was a talent, I'd be the World Famous something or other for it.
And I return to my imaginary worlds, because I feel fully accepted for a time. Albeit too short a time.
And I cry out to God for release, for peace, for comfort, for something that will allow me to understand why I am like this.
And for a freedom from those nightmares...
12/10/2002 09:12:00 AM
12.09.2002
Act your age
Apparentally, I'm too old to still be living at home.
I was told i was always too old to like Digimon.
I'm being told I'm too old to be innocent.
Now I'm too old to be taken care of by parents.
Well, maybe I'm too old to be on the Net, then.
And people wonder why I'm so socially anxious. *stomps off to finish her finals*
12/09/2002 10:47:00 PM
More Quizzes
You are a muse.
What legend are you?. Take the Legendary Being Quiz by Paradox
Your magical style is Druidic.
What type of Magic do you work?. Take the Magical Style Quiz by Paradox
Congratulations, you're a Drac, a seductive fae.
What kind of female faerie are you?
Take the female faerie quizby Paradox.
If I were a Neopet... I'd be a Kougra!
Kougras were discovered in the deep forests of Mystery Island, feasting on the exotic fruits also found there.
One of the Kougra's favourite games to play is coconut bowling, and they just LOVE to practice pouncing on one another. What else would those enormous paws be good for? |  |
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Which Neopet are you? Click here to find out!
12/09/2002 09:54:00 PM
TADA!
Heh, I wonder if anyone's missed me? ^_~
In any case, one final is going in today, and the other is going in Weds. The second one is nearly done, too, so methinks I might be able to get on AIM tonight! *cheers*
But only if you missed me. *grins*
12/09/2002 09:19:00 AM
12.08.2002
Avoidant
Avoidant personality disorder is characterized by extreme social anxiety. People with this disorder often feel inadequate, avoid social situations, and seek out jobs with little contact with others. They are fearful of being rejected and worry about embarassing themselves in front of others. They exaggerate the potential difficulties of new situations to rationalize avoiding them. Often, they will create fantasy worlds to substitute for the real one. Unlike schizoid personality disorder, avoidant people yearn for social relations yet feel they are unable to obtain them. They are frequently depressed and have low self-confidence.
Schizotypal
Many believe that schizotypal personality disorder represents mild schizophrenia. The disorder is characterized by odd forms of thinking and perceiving, and individuals with this disorder often seek isolation from others. They sometimes believe to have extra sensory ability or that unrelated events relate to them in some important way. They generally engage in eccentric behavior and have difficulty concentrating for long periods of time. Their speech is often over elaborate and difficult to follow.
Dependent
Dependent personality disorder is characterized by a need to be taken care of. People with this disorder tend to cling to people and fear losing them. They may become suicidal when a break-up is imminent. They tend to let others make important decisions for them and often jump from relationship to relationship. They often remain in abusive relationships. They are overly sensitive to disapproval. They often feel helpless and depressed.
Bweee! Ain't I fun to be around?! ^^;;;
12/08/2002 10:07:00 PM
Out
I'm sick today, physically, partly because of my worry for all of you, partly because of my worry over my finals, mostly because I ate too much and all the wrong things yesterday. Blehhhh. Everything about me is strong, save for my ears and my stupid old stomach.
Anyways, since I had to miss out on church (growl), I decided to go back to an old favorite book of mine, besides the Bible. A Wrinkle in Time. And I've only been through the first three chapters, but I HAD to stop, because I keep picking up quote I find very relevant, and I want to share.
Book Quotes
"Usually no matter what happens people think it's my fault, even if I had nothing to do with it at all...It's just been an awful week. And I'm full of bad feeling."
Mrs. Murry stroked Meg's shaggy head. "Do you know why?"
"I hate being an oddball," Meg said.
"Don't you realize that you just make everything harder for yourself by your attitude?" the principal asked. "...You're going to have to do something about yourself. Nobody can do it for you."
"Meg, don't you think you'd make a better adjustment to life if you faced facts?"
"I do face facts," Meg said. "They're lots easier to face than people, I can tell you."
They walked in silence for a moment, through the frangrant woods, the rusty pine needles gentle under their feet. Up above them the wind made music in the branches. Charles Wallace slipped his hand confidingly in Meg's, and the sweet, little-boy gesture warmer her so that she felt the tense knot inside her begin to loosen. Charles loves me at any rate, she thought.
Calvin put a strong hand to Meg's elbow, and Fort pressed against her leg. Happiness at their concern was so strong in her that her panic fled, and she followed Charles Wallace into the dark recesses of the house without fear.
This has been the most impossible, the most confusing afternoon of my life, she thought, yet I don't feel confused or upset any more. I only feel happy. Why?
"...That's the funny part of it[," Calvin said. "]I love them all, and they don't give a hoot about me. Maybe that's why I call when I'm not going to be home. Because I care. Nobody else does. You don't know how lucky you are to be loved."
With a sudden enthusiastic gesture Calvin flung his arms out wide, as though he were embracing Meg and her mother, the whole house. "How did all this happen? Isn't it wonderful? I feel as though I were just being born! I'm not alone any more! Do you realize what that means to me?"
"But you're good at basketball and things," Meg protested. "You're good in school. Everybody likes you."
"For all the most unimportant reasons," Calvin said. "There hasn't been anybody, anybody in the world, that I could talk to. Sure, I can function on the same level as everybody else, I can hold myself down, but it isn't me."
Meg took a batch of forks from the drawer and turned them over and over again, looking at them. "I'm all confused again."
"Oh, so 'm I," Calvin said gaily. "But now at least I know we're going somewhere."
"Do you think things always have an explanation?"
"Yes. I believe that they do. But I think that with our human limitations we're not always able to understand the explanations. But you see, Meg, just because we don't understand doesn't mean that the explanation doesn't exist."
"I like to understand things," Meg said.
"We all do. But it isn't always possible."
...her happiness had fled, and she was back in a morass of anger and resentment.
"Why don't you cry?" Calvin asked gently. "...Go ahead and cry. It'll do you good."
Meg's voice came out trembling over tears. "I cry too much. I should be like Mother. I should be able to control myself."
"Your mother's a completely different person and she's a lot older than you are."
"I wish I were a different person," Meg said shakily. "I hate myself."
...."Oh, Meg, you are a moron," Calvin said. "Don't you know you're the nicest thing that's happened to me in a long time?"
12/08/2002 10:18:00 AM
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