12.27.2002
What's the point?
Seriously.
I'm getting very frustrated.
I'm quite disheartened.
It's not my faith that's the problem. Sure, I could be doing better, but I still have a strong faith that God knows what He is doing. But I'm suffocating without any decent fellowship anymore. I need support. I need to have someone there when my faith wavers.
I don't want to be forced into a position where I have to choose one to another, but...
Oh, what's the point?!?
End BlogSpot. It's been nice. I guess.
12/27/2002 12:25:00 AM
12.26.2002
AIM
If I'm not too tired from my double tonight (I'm about to go back, I'm on break at the moment), I'll try to be on AIM. No promises, but tomorrow night I will be for sure! Love you all.
12/26/2002 03:38:00 PM
Christmas Haul
OK, I know that Christmas has NOTHING to do with how much you get, but...well. Seems everyone I know did much better than I. This is my first Christmas since my uncle died...the first one since I left the congregation I grew up with...and yeah, it seemed different. Anyways, my "haul" included a hand held mirror, some candy, a few more edibles, and Shaun's present (ROCK ON!!!). It takes some amount of faith and patience to keep smiling and not feel any jealousy when I hear others go on and on and on and on...(that's my fellow workers for ya).
Bad Nightmare
Twas the night of Christmas, and all through the house...ok, well, that much is true.
I was at work, walking to the office in the back. And you know how in dreams, things seem the same as in real life, but have some alterations--and yet, surreal as it seems, it makes sense--in the dream. Anyways, I walked to the office--and it was this huge storage like room (it was different from real life, yet it made sense); I had come back to ask Ron about something. And there were these two or three guys, robbers, I guess--and one of them was threatening Ron with a gun while the other tied him up. I was in the middle of asking for a favor when I saw what was happening and freaked. The third (second? it was hard to tell) saw me, had a gun and/or a knife in his head, and lunged at me, yanking me into the room and shutting the door.
I was terrified--these guys were obviously after money, and I seemed pretty expendable. The guy that grabbed me threw me to the ground and pressed a knife to my throat--he was demanding that I tell my secret. I didn't want to--I was afraid of what he might do, of what Ron might think. The other guy threatened to blow Ron's head off if I didn't. I was hysterical, in tears...I remember darkness, like being in a corner, came over my mind's eye as I admitted to my secret. For some reason that amused the robbers, shocked Ron. And then I could sense that the worst was about to happen from the guy pressing the knife against me. And then it gets muddled--I cried out, Ron/Ursannomon knocks the gun out of the other guy's hand, and the police show up.
All the servers and managers show up then, police and tv crews too. I remember Ron...Gundy...which was it...Gundy had held me like that at my uncle's funeral. He had just held me, letting me sob my heart out. Ron asked me if my secret was true and I wouldn't answer. Ron/Gundy/??? drew his arm around me and then I said it was true and just sobbed against him...whoever "him" was. Confusing toward the end. But I remember waking up, sobbing uncontrollably, early this morning.
Ron can't ever find out. Neither can Gundy. I love them too much, and I'm sure they love me just as much, and if they ever really knew...well, they can't. I can't tell them in real life. It had seemed like such a relief (albeit a painful one) to tell in my dream...it had seemed so real, like I really had. OK, now I'm rambling, heh. ^_~
12/26/2002 03:32:00 PM
12.25.2002
Yesterday at Work
I broke lots and lots of personal records, whee hee.
#1--I usually just work 10:45am to, at latest, 2pm. And that's it. Yesterday, I started at 10:45am...and didn't get off till 9pm. Well, there was that 20 minute break at 3:50 for lunch...>.<
#2--Usually, my sales for lunch run no higher than $400. Due to the fact that it was Christmas Eve, and lots of procrastinaters were shopping for last minute gift (cards), my sales hit the $2100 mark. O_O A definite first for me. Another first--over $1000 in cash for a few minutes. Ron got flustered and asked if he could write an IOU and stick that $1000 in cash in the office. He said he didn't want anyone walking in and shooting me in the head for the money. Aww...I think? oO No, not really...see, I had dreamed the night before that I HAD been popped in the head for the money. Scary. ScariER that Ron said that. OK, stopping now, just getting plain scared. Oo
#3--Usually, I don't sell giftcards. Yesterday at lunch, I sold 98.
And this is all just during the lunch shift. The dinner one was a lot slower, though.
For Christmas, I got Shannon pens (so he'd stop stealing mine, CLAIMING I was stealing his, heh), a card wishing Chad bright To Go people for all his management days, a regular card for Greg, and same for Ron. I'm waiting for Ron to start wondering why my last name is different in the card than it is on the schedule. All my online friends know my baptismal last name--and that's the one I want to go by. Legally, I'm still stuck under my biological father's last name, but I do plan to get that changed.
12/25/2002 09:29:00 AM
Are you innocent? (Female Version)
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Does this bother anyone else? oO;
* Which Tragic Shakespearean Heroin are You? *
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Oh...joy.
What box do you get put in?
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Um, scary part? That's pretty true. >.<
What Lord of the Rings Male and Mood Do You Desire?
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Wasn't sure exactly about how I was supposed to answer this one so...well, good piccie, anyway. ^^;
What Type Of Anime Character Are You?
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Heaven forbid--the quiz maker shall die now. *FOOM!*
Which Sesame Street Muppet's Dark Secret Are You?
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I used to have the book with that piccie! It was all about poor Grover trying to find someone to play with and he couldn't and he was crying by the end until he looked and saw the reader and said, "Play with me!" and...mmm...yeah, heh.
What Kind of Virgin Are You?
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And PROUD of it. Hee hee hee!
Who is your Ideal Lord of the Rings (male) Mate?
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thumpa thumpa thumpa--think Auron. Think Beelzemon. Think Ken. Think Sephiroth. Heck, think Shaun!!! ^_~
I AM...Carrie, from Carrie
You know, and we joke about me acting like that all the time at work. Like the bar glass that fell yesterday at lunch when no one was around. It wasn't me--I swear it!!! (...maybe)
Do You Deserve to Live?
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GOOD. If you didn't think that--
What Female Anime Stereotype Are You?
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Heh, mesa an angel. And quiet, too? oO; Not if you were working with me last night, I wasn't.
12/25/2002 09:21:00 AM
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
And a big thank you to God for making it happen.
12/25/2002 08:49:00 AM
12.23.2002
My love to everyone tonight. I really wanted to be on AIM, but I nearly fainted a moment ago, so I should prolly get off the net for now. Plus the storm (FLORA!!! hee hee hee).
Please please pray for me.
| You are Rowlf!
You don't draw attention to yourself much, preferring to keep your cool and stay in the background. | |
12/23/2002 09:39:00 PM
No Prayer Request too small
I need you to pray for me--please. As you know, I've been sick a lot lately, and it's been off and on, getting better/getting worse kind of thing.
Well, it's getting worse--again.
Not only has it got my lungs, throat, and nose in the act, but I've been getting a lot of headaches--more so as the days go on. I want to say it's because of the holidays, but even the stuff that normally relaxes me this time of year isn't helping. Typing this at this very moment isn't helping me much physically, but it is, spiritually. The only really scary part is when it hurts so much that I get dizzy--and that's not too bad at work ('sides the managers getting a little worried), but it IS bad when I'm driving.
All I want to really do is to lay down and close my eyes--to block out all the brightness. And I NEED to get better fast--I have a double shift tomorrow and the day after Christmas (send all complaints to Ron, blah blah blah, heh).
Anyways, with any kind of luck, this should be nothing, but if it doesn't get better soon, I will have to see the doctor.
Please pray...
12/23/2002 08:25:00 PM
For Sara
Belive it or not, I've been there and done that. Sadly, I went the wrong way about it. I started out with feeling sick before social interaction; nowadays, I just rationlize my absence away (see Chili's Christmas Party, Ron's Team's Celebratory Dinner, etc etc etc), then kick myself in the butt over and over again, regretting my choice not to go.
Please don't turn into me.
No matter how hard the first step is (and it IS, trust me, I know), you'll be glad you went. The few times I actually did, I was. I just wish I'd have taken that proper first step more often...
12/23/2002 05:14:00 PM
12.22.2002
And in sadder times...
AuronLuver: You know, more and more, I get the feeling that Josh doesn't like me
AuronLuver: josh/Shyguy
AuronLuver: and I want to like him
AuronLuver: because I used to
AuronLuver: and for Sara's sake
AuronLuver: but lately...
AuronLuver: he's really been irritating me
StaticForce21: how so?
StaticForce21: we've grown closer...
AuronLuver: I was trying to ask him about how to be taken serious by people one time-
AuronLuver: he told me that if I didn't watch so much Digimon--this coming, not only AFTER I stopped, but also from someone who watches Capt. Planet
StaticForce21: and Ducktails
AuronLuver: It hurt really really bad...I felt like he was insulting my intelligence--and I know he didn't mean to
AuronLuver: and I've been trying to have meaningful convos with him
AuronLuver: but he either doesn't talk
AuronLuver: or ...
AuronLuver: it's like he has something against me for being Christian, and therefore, against his "decision" to be gay
StaticForce21: he never made fun of me, and I am as pathetic as they come
StaticForce21: he knows I don't like it either, but he also knows I am not going to force my beliefs on him
StaticForce21: that's the wrong way about it...
AuronLuver: well, I'm not doing that
StaticForce21: I know
AuronLuver: I just feel...like I'm being shut out
AuronLuver: like whatever I say around him nowadays is wrong as soon as it leaves my mouth
AuronLuver: and I get plenty of that everywhere else I go
AuronLuver: I don't need it online too
AuronLuver: especially not with someone I care about
StaticForce21: *nods*
12/22/2002 09:11:00 PM
I could always just make my own website with the comic I am working on and toss a MB on there...right? Heh, I am so hopeless. ;)
12/22/2002 06:08:00 PM
A little dry MB, but at least cleaner than most and no pop up ads (or very few).
12/22/2002 05:54:00 PM
Well, trying LOTS of MBs right now. The ones I like I'll post links to. The first one I put up isn't nearly as great as I thought...
12/22/2002 05:30:00 PM
Gone to new MessageBoard
I think. Well, anyways, OB seems to be petering out...I post maybe 3 times a day...which isn't NEARLY as much as I used to. So I'm trying out this message board for now
MBs
For now. Let's see how this goes.
12/22/2002 05:19:00 PM
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