2.01.2003
So the night is looking up? (aka as Why can't I ever seem to steal anyone's wallet in AIM Chatrooms?!
AuronLuver: HI FLORA!
StaticForce21: *looks at Ginny through it*
StaticForce21: *trys to talk*
ThunderBlast15: Hi ginny im a bit busy encaseing shaun though
StaticForce21: blubblubblah
StaticForce21: *raises eyebrow*
AuronLuver: good girl!
StaticForce21: O_O!
AuronLuver: *pats the gooey FLora*
AuronLuver: more
ThunderBlast15: AuronLuver: good, GOOD girl!
ThunderBlast15: *bubble keeps encaseing him *
AuronLuver: now just gimme his wallet...
StaticForce21: *looks at Ginny's gooey hands*
StaticForce21: bluahaha
AuronLuver: no, NOT HIS SHORTS!
ThunderBlast15: AuronLuver: just his wallet--AUGH!
ThunderBlast15: *the goo works out shauns wallet for ginny*
StaticForce21: *BLUSH*
AuronLuver: give him back his shorts and hurry!
2/01/2003 11:34:00 PM
Foolish, foolish, foolish fay,
when can Puck come out to play?
2/01/2003 11:18:00 PM
Owen lay a sleepy Alexander in his crib after having been asked to put the child to bed by Mrs. Xanatos. He hadn't minded in the least - in fact, he'd been waiting for a good excuse to leave the party. It wasn't that he was uncomfortable with those there, or that he disliked the festivities… it was just that he couldn't enjoy them.
It would have been just the occasion Puck would have loved to be at. Feasting, storytelling... soon Hudson would begin another tale of his old Scottish days, or perhaps Angela would lead them all in some carols appropriate for the season. If ever there were a singer born, it was Puck!
But the poor fay was bound by Oberon's law and couldn't even show himself. Owen, instead, had to dull the festivities with his stone-fisted straightness. Perhaps he shouldn't even go back to the Great Hall...
Alex gurgled something, staring up at him with sad eyes, as if he was reading his mentor's grief. Owen dropped the stiffness for a few moments and sighed, removing his glasses as he stared back down at the child.
"Alex, if ever you do anything, never be as stubborn as your Uncle Puck, for look at the anguish it has cost him. There is a party going on not a floor away, and the Puck can't even enjoy it because he's stuck playing his role as a straight man for all eternity." Alex mumbled something as he drifted off to sleep, and Owen put his glasses back on. "Foolish, foolish fairy. What has this mortal world to offer you now, trickster? A lifetime and more of boredom and loneliness because of a birthright stripped from you." He turned and resumed his role once more, after whispering once more, "Foolish, foolish fairy..."
~~A Mid-Winter's Tale
I guess that answers my question...(see post title from two days ago)
"He sees you down by the waterline...
...God is watching over you (as always)
You are loved, no matter what you do (He's right beside you)
God is watching over you (as always)
You are loved, whatever you go through
...And if you think He'll ever leave you, you better think again...."
Give me the strength to believe, Father...please.
2/01/2003 08:38:00 PM
I care about all of you a lot.
Please don't ever forget that.
2/01/2003 10:21:00 AM
1.30.2003
It's Not Pain till it Hurts (AKA, another really long post by Ginny)
And the funny thing is, Ron wasn't even talking about emotional pain. Just your common, everyday, bang your funny bone kind of pain. (Like he did at the end of shift today--that scream was one of the most terrifying I had ever heard! oO)
I'd prefer that to the emotional stuff anyday, prolly.
Some of you read, but didn't pay attention. I am not depressed--I've just been having a lot of insight on myself. Yes, I'm hard on myself--that is part of my insight. I just...*blows a heavy sigh*...my blogging is more venting and ranting than a state of mind. I usually feel...well, not better, but...lighter? after posting my thoughts.
I spoke to one of my fellow servers the other day. I told him I made a deep (to me, anyway) discovery.
"What's that?"
"Well," I said, choosing my words carefully, "I learned that it's ok to not like people."
He raised his eyebrows at me. "Really?"
I wasn't sure how to take this, but I nodded. "When I was little, I used to think that everyone would or could be my friend, if I just tried hard enough. But it doesn't work that way. The world isn't fair. There are people out there who just don't like me. And it was simply Einstein-ian for me to finally believe that it's ok for me to feel the same way."
The server grinned at me, a little...sheepish?
"I'm not saying you're one of them," I added quickly.
"I'm on the A list, huh?" he chuckled softly.
"Yeah. But it's impossible to like everyone. And just as not everyone is required to be my friend, the inverse is true."
"Deep."
"I guess."
As I've mentioned late last year in this blog, I found that when I was second guessing other people--saying that they didn't like me, I was actually telling myself (subconsciously) that I don't like them. It took me a little bit to distinguish between the people I was miffed at for short times and the people that I actually do not like. The lists for both change constantly, and grow constantly.
It's kind of a sad thing, really...one of the last remenants of childhood shot down. Remember when you were little, you would always say, "When I grow up, I won't do things like the grownups do. I'll do it the right way." Then you get there...and you find out why they didn't do it the right way. And you are caught into the same mold as they are, casting away childish dreams and hope for harsher reality.
Something must be said for hopes and dreams, though. There are childish hopes and dreams. Then there are hopes and dreams. When did being positive, striving to rise above the strain of dismal life, become an unpopular thing? Dismal, dark, grey...words of torment dragging down the spirit, binding ever continuing cycles of morbid feelings and thoughts like heavy chains around the heart. Another alienation for me.
How is being happy-go-lucky (be it true or faux) a crime?
My old congregation never seemd to understand. "Oh, it's her connection with God," and they left it at that. They left me at that. Members became nervous, agitated around me, as if they had to play good around Ginny. But if we are Christians, we aren't supposed to pretend, right? We're supposed to live the faith full force, and not be caught wearing a new mask for each different social circle we are in.
Yet another alienation for me.
And the question that scares me is...did I come into religion under the thought that, if I did all the motions too, acted like the adults told me God wanted to, I would recieve adult admiration? Did I believe because it would make me look like a good girl to the elders and pastors, and gain me acceptance somehow, some sort of lifting of my loneliness?
It didn't work, as last year proved.
I worked for my church, and worked for it, and worked for it. All in the name of God, my lips say. My heart feels. ...my soul wonders. And I know it was true--the leap was easy when I was younger. I wasdoing my acts for God and Jesus. That I know for sure. But when the time came that I turned of age, into an adult, things changed. A lot. My relationship with God deepened (and hopefully, still does). However, I grew cold to my fellow members.
Ever since I joined my church, I was in VBS every single year. Never missed a one. That means over 10 years in doing that. Add to that the two years as an acolyte, a brief stint as an usher(ess?), and the almost four years of Caraway St., and you got your star believer. But...in my attempt to share my love of God with, not only my fellow person, but with my members, I got alienated. I was participating in activities that people old enough to be my parents were doing. Very few were my age. And though I was not alone with God, I felt very alone among everyone else.
The clincher came last May. A few months before, I had just gone through losing James (my spiritual mentor, as it was) to a transfer; at the same time, I agreed to VBS again for the summer. I was a little put off that my job was a lot smaller than the last few years--just a third backup singer (they already had two), and an auxiliary member. My load had been reduced considerably. My pride was stung--if they were giving me so little to do, why be in it at all? But I agreed.
Then my uncle passed away the month before VBS. A few days after he passed on, I went to the VBS leader and told her that, due to my family situation, could I please sit out VBS this year? After all, I reasoned, I could be easily replaced. And I needed the time to recover from my first major call of reality that I've ever had.
She turned me down. Only after much discussion did she grudgingly agree. "You know," she remarked near the end, "you're putting me at an incredible disadvantage. I thought I could count on you. Now I only have a month to find someone else to fill in your spots."
No words of comfort about my loss. No understanding. Just out and out rejection--at least, that's how it felt to this hypersensitive girl. I soon left that church shortly after.
This'll prolly come as a shock to most of you, but I've actually been without any real congregation for 9 months now. I've been attending a few off and on, but I'm terrified to join. I'm afraid to commit to a congregation again. To let myself get servant burnout, as it were. I'm terrified of landing in a congregation that will just take me at my talents, but not at me. I grew up in that other church--I loved those people for 13 years. They were my family, you know, the kind that you smile nervously at during family reunions, because you don't know them as well as you should. I went back to visit again for the first time this year last week...and the few that talked to me were asking me to do favors "for the church, for God" again.
And it hurts. So, since it hurts, it must be pain. And it is a painful existance. So I turn into Puck...Auron...Kairi...Aeris...Gryf...countless, countless others...and withdraw to my world. And I know I can't keep doing this. A person in my state is no good for the Kingdom of God. And the branch that doesn't produce fruit gets cut off and thrown into the fire, right?
Perhaps right now is a time that God is showing me something. But what? I want to know. I want to be free of alienation, to be someone who is accepted, who feels accepted, who knows there is a reason to her life. But my patience grows thin as the heavy chains are flung, over and over again, around my heart, which still beats its wings of happiness and hope frantically.
I watch Puck turn into Owen, again and again. And I, too, withdraw, bringing out whatever other nature there is within me to cover this confusion and alienation being from prying eyes, probing minds. With any kind of luck, I will be able to smile at you again, and say, convincingly, "I feel no pain."
And so it shall remain, till my next bout of emotion overcomes me. *hugs her newly made Rondo plushie and adds him to her ever growing collection*
1/30/2003 10:29:00 PM
Living in the Moment
"'Can't you give me brains?' asked the Scarecrow.
'You don't need them....Experience is the only thing that brings knowledge, and the longer you are on the earth the more experience you are sure to get.'
'That may be all true,' said the Scarecrow, 'but I shall be very unhappy unless you give me brains.'
....'How about my heart?' asked the Tin Woodman.
'Why, as for that,' answered Oz, 'I think you are wrong to want a heart. It makes most people unhappy. If you only knew it, you are in luck not to have a heart.'
'That must be a matter of opinion,' said the Tin Woodsman. 'For my part, I will bear all the unhappiness without a murmur, if you will give me the heart.'
~~The Wizard of Oz
Today proved to be an interesting day. A fellow server and I spoke for a few minutes about President Bush's address. I missed it, but she gladly filled me in without coating her opinion over it. She then mentioned the Left Behind series, which I mean to read some day; I pointed out that the only theme I had a problem with from those books is milleniumism (sp). I had a chance to witness through that, too. (Given the current state from the speech, Alas Babylon is another good book to read.)
Do you know what I love about Ron? His frankness, his ability to state his opinion and state it believably. He doesn't sugar coat (unless there are certain circumstances, and he is familiar with those--quite the gentleman at times). He is one of those few people I can trust fully and honestly, because if there's something I am doing that he doesn't like, or if I'm bothering him, he lets me know. No second guessing here.
And, boy, he let us all know, today. Before I begin, let me say that everything in the kitchen passout is labeled. One of the trainees (a cocky fellow, at best) had picked up a salt shaker and said, "Look--'Seaon Salt'!" He turned to his trainer and said, "So that's why Chili's is well known--it's all about the Seaon Salt!"
"Hey, shut up," the label maker hollered, his bald head pinking from embarrassment slightly.
Mass giggles in the passout.
At that moment, I picked up the sheets for today's shift meeting. Top label said: "WE DO NOY TAKE CHECKS!!!" I pointed that out to my trainer friend, who was already belly laughing; when she saw the paper, she just about died. I was nearly floored myself, tears squirting out, I was laughing so hard.
Ron bristled starkly, and bellowed at us to get to work. We could still see his wide grin underneath his angrily bunched eyebrows, though. ^^
I had to make a run to a nearby Chili's (the very one James works at now) to get some stuff for ToGo today. I grumbled about it--I would have to take 635 LBJ, the second worse highway to be on in DFW. As I was stomping my way out, Ron spoke up.
"Just remember, darlin', you're only doing this to help yourself."
"Yeah, that's what I say everytime I fill every freaking thing up around here!" I growled back.
James was pleased to see me, and I remarked that it had nearly been a year since he transferred. He asked me how it was over at my store, and I told him that things were, well, different.
"You don't sound too confident," he answered softly.
"No, I don't. Frankly, I feel that there's been way too much slack being cut around there lately," I half retorted angrily, before remembering that this wasn't James' fault. "But that's just my opinion." I didn't tell him that I felt my Chili's had been a lot more efficient in some areas when James was around. We're efficient in other areas now, but we're a lot more laid back than we need to be. (Like the cooks--or one of them, really--being smart alecky and not doing what they're supposed to be. Fortunately, Ron's listening to my rants and getting after them, so things are getting a little better.)
So I get back to my Chili's, and the workday was underway. The spelling joke came and went. Plenty of good natured teasing floating around all day, and our infectious cheerfulness spread to the customers. *grin* I remember what threw me off, though, was the dessert station incident.
"Who opened, or rather, failed to open the dessert station this morning?" I barked to no one in particular as I slammed unheated caramel and fudge back into their containers.
My server friend grinned at me, filled up the appropriate containers, and went back to work.
"Geez," Ron commented, walking up to me, "what is with us today?"
I scowled at him slightly. "People aren't doing what they're supposed to be. Constantly. I got a right to be mad."
"Well, yeah, but normally, you're the happy one and I'm the pissed one. It's like we switched brains or something today."
I half smirked, half frowned at him, and went back to work.
The final kicker came when a conversation came into the realm of changing yourself for the common good.
Ron pointed out that, by Brinker rules, if a worker is engaging in any activity that could be considered detrimental to Brinker's reputation, the worker could be terminated.
"Which means if you say a bad word, I could fire you," he explained. "Not that I would, but I could. I mean, really, I drop s- and f- bombs all the time. Well," he ammended, "a couple of times a month, anyway."
I coughed in disbelief and he shot a look at me. "What?!"
"A couple of times a month? C'mon..."
"OK OK, a week."
I raised an eyebrow at him.
"A shift?"
"Getting closer."
"An hour?" he queried meekly.
"Ahhhh...."
"All right, all right...a couple of times every ten minutes. You happy?" he grinned. "It's hard to change old habits."
"Yeah," I mused, suddenly thinking about what I blogged yesterday, "but when you do, people think better of you."
I'm not sure if he thought that I was hinting at him to quit swearing. I wasn't. It was a general you I was using in that sentence.
"Well, yeah," he remarked, "but I've been getting better about it."
"Yeah, you have," I complimented. That seemed to please him, and I wandered off to think more about my blog.
Rondoism: It's not pain till it hurts.
(Would someone kindly tell me what that means?!?)
1/30/2003 03:39:00 PM
Did Owen ever get lonely? (AKA the longest thing Ginny's ever typed)
Everyone seems to be pulling out of their depression clouds, so says Deus. I'm glad. I think. Relieved may be a better word.
Or is it indifference? Maybe I'm pretending I care. I must admit, I grew, well, tired of everyone being sad and depressed, despairing of their constant rants and cries of woe that "no one really cares, no one really understands." So Irony strikes as I add to the number of wailers and despairers. Yet again.
I take that back--I'm not in the middle of depression. Just in the middle of being lost and wondering where to go. In the most superimposed version of a joyful manner possible, hiding the unshed tears behind a large grin that crinkles my eyes into bright little slits of lashes and pupils.
I'm one of the more profound and extraordinary examples of human machines. Tell me what to do, I'll do it. Tell me to do it long enough, I'll get so good at it that I'll manage to alienate myself in the pursuit of making you happy. Why?
I think I'm looking for acceptance.
Scratch that--I know I am.
I read an article today on gifted children, and I quote Dr. Brazelton: "Some children are gifted in one or a few areas but are out of sync with their peers. They may rely on their precocious achievements and adult admiration to make up for their loneliness. Add to this the high-strung or hypersensitive nature of many gifted childen..." Far be it from me to use this as a point to brag. In all seriousness, I am not--I am pointing out one of my faults. The educational elitists made me repeat first grade because I was "emotionally unstable" (you try living with only your mom and no other friends or family--literally--and see how stable you are). Then--O Friend Irony, how thou torment me!--they want to put me in an academy, because I am performing far beyond their expectations (how could a girl who used the word "gots" constantly possible be any kind of straight A student, much less academic material, they wonder).
So there I am, relying on my achievements and the adult admiration. To make up for my loneliness. To cover the fact that it's unusual to be beyond gifted in areas that other people my age only wish they could be in. To somehow ignore the fact that they alienate me for being "so good at that--I wish I could (insert verb here) like you!", and the constant failed attempts at fitting in without conforming. What good would it do for me to deny my very self just so I could have a few minutes of happiness among my peers? None. Moreso now that I feel most of those "few minutes" are contrived, made so that the gifted art freak will go away soon, and the rest of us can get back to being ourselves again without her around.
Bitter? A little. Depressed? Hardly. Upset? Muchly. I let my scholastic brain go to waste, because I despaired that my brain would forever break my heart. It did not matter how many As I received, the numerous accolades from teachers and high authorities. Sure, all that can get me anywhere I wish to go...but if I have no one to share it with (not to be read as "No one to wave my accomplishes at them in a horrid excuse to make myself look good"), what's the point? Sure, it's lonely at the top...which is why I stepped down.
And Irony, blasted figment of Hell, strikes again. For, lo, look here--intellectual types are now accepted as the greater type of people. The ones that have deep thoughts, deeper conversations. And I, like the foolish, hypersensitive creature that I am, have too soon, too late, realized I could have stayed myself, if I had but stayed a little longer.
But Ginny is no longer intellectually and artistically gifted. Nope, just artistically. Several years ago, I could have argued English themes, recited historical moments, solved Calculus problems with as little squirming as possible. The point is, I would not have done it happily, at least, not for my peers...at the time, it did not seem proper to be like that. It did not seem proper that this girl, with hand me down clothes, a love for Pokémon and other cartoons, and a happy-go-lucky attitude (to hide the all-too-prevelant loneliness) should have any gifted areas. (Yeah, you know that term "retard"? Do you know how much that has haunted me ever since they told me my lazy eye was a sign of that? Every time I see my eye, I remember those kids calling me that word.)
For humans, there is a natural instinct to do something when they feel a situation threatens them. fight or flight. I hated to fight. Still do--I'm terrible at arguing and I let people walk all over me. And why? For acceptance. But I'm not getting it--rather, further alienation--so I run. To my imaginary world that's held me since I was in first grade. The world I hid in when my mom started to date my stepdad. When I was sexually abused.
When I finally decided I just can't trust people anymore.
...but if you can't trust anyone, you'll always be alone...right?
And the question stands--which is worse: loneliness or alienation? Given that they are both synonyms, the better question is: self-inflicted, or other-inflicted? It was other-inflicted then. It's self-inflicted now.
Why?
Because of the adult admiration. The constant suppression of hypersensitivity so that I could be accepted, if even just for the moment. No matter how fake the moment seems to be. It was living in that moment at the moment that made them seem worth the sorrow that would find me later. The feelings that would pick apart those moments, and tell me that they weren't for real, that they don't matter because the people don't think I matter.
And that still haunts me.
But I retreat to my world--be it imaginary, library, video game, what have you--because I feel accepted, instantly, without judgement. Though I still have a talent (shapeshifter, main character in book, world-saving hero in games) that makes me stand out, I'm not alienated.
Self inflicted alienation. It's my own fault now. No one to blame but myself. I run from people now to go to my "happy place" and cheer up, to keep the loneliness from getting to me. I pretend to be happy all the time, and sometimes, I can even fool myself. But I only cause more loneliness that way. I gave up on adult admiration since I am an adult now. But I still need some sort of admiration..someone to say, "I love you, and I care about you." I need to be able to trust and believe those words. Without nitpicking them, without lying awake at night, thinking that everyone is lying to me. I don't trust any one else because I can't trust myself. Which is why I say I am not depressed as I write this...just lost in thought, and knowing that I need to change. Without giving myself up.
Oberon: *angered at Puck's choice to stay with the humans* Very well, Puck, you have made your choice, and now you shall live with it, forever. *points at the Fay* You are eternally banished from Avalon, Puck. Never again will you sample its paradise.
Puck: *panicked* No, wait. Not eternally!
Oberon: We hereby strip you of all your powers, save when you are training or protecting the boy. *Puck screams as he loses his powers* Such is your punishment, so speaks Oberon. *The Puck collapses facedown on the ground, in tears.*
Puck: *softly sobbing* No. Please, my lord. Please reconsider. I'll do anything.
Oberon: *sneers* Pathetic.
Puck solemnly switches back to the human Owen, who stands up.
Owen: *stiffly* Forgive me, my lord. You must do as you see fit. I will stay here with young Alexander. (The Gathering, Part II)
Puck wanted the admiration of others, so he could have friends and fun. He threw his lot in with the humans, and was changed from his true nature for want of a little companionship.
How about it, Owen...do you feel lonely?
1/30/2003 12:23:00 AM
1.29.2003
All I ever needed to know about life, I learned from watching Gargoyles
Compiled and written by
Batya
"The Toon" Levin
Energy is energy, whether it is produced by science or sorcery. *
Always focus on the goal and the results, not the inconsequentials. *
If you never trust anyone, you'll always be alone. *
Nothing should ever come between a parent and child. *
Any landing you can walk away from.... *
They're called the Illuminati. They run everything. *
New York is a really cool place to live. * Revenge
is a sucker's game. * Don't leave guns lying around; someone could get hurt. *
A clan stands or falls together. * Even the worst villains can be capable of love. * Bellowing doesn't always impress the enemy. * After a while, all you notice is the beauty. *
There is no statute of limitations on grudges. *
Silver be for weres and vampires. For one of Oberon's Children cold iron will do. *
Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur. (Whatever is said in Latin
sounds profound.) * Corollary: A magic spell doesn't sound nearly as impressive if you speak the language it's made in. * Read. *
Never, NEVER mess with the mama. * Even shadows must be true to their shade. * Any technology sufficiently advanced is indistinguishable from magic. * There is no such thing as a little vengeance. *
Central Park is full of surprises. * True immortality isn't about living forever; it's about what you do with the time you have. *
One can only force someone to act against their true nature for so long. * Revenge is a dish best served with banana cream. * Be careful what you ask for; you may be taken literally. * Shakespeare may have been clueless about some things, but he was one terrific writer. * Never underestimate the hidden powers of the quiet, efficient, bespectacled type. * Love conquers all - including the species barrier. * When all is said and done, the future is not written yet. *
Yeah, some of this is goofy, but some of it is good fodder for deep thoughts, as well.
1/29/2003 09:41:00 AM
1.28.2003
Linking It
In honor of alphabetizing my links, I present: Commentary on the BlogLinks.
Eccentricity: Life is grand, or at least amusing at best. Never cease to be amazed, and thank God always for that.
lime jello: Dude, Get Fuzzy is the BEST. And I am glad you have someone there for you.
C'est la Vie: I am...stunned. Shocked. Hurt? Prolly... I...i....
Can things get better?: Like I said, Flora dear, love is a funny thing. Please enjoy being in the moment of the giddiness, but be careful not to get too swept away with it. Don't let him be your reason for living--be your own reason for living. And, as always, I am happy when you are happy.
angry_student: Josh, I...mmm...I wish I could get to know you better. To prove to you, maybe to myself more, that I want to be there for you. And even if I can't be the herald of comfort, I can at least help you to forget your problems for a little while (but that just makes it worse, right?). *sigh*
Rantings of a 300ft Potato: Heh, I didn't know I titled this link wrong. You people never tell me anything! ^^ Inspirational, my friend, and a pleasure to read.
You don't want to know: Corruption is fun (there was a LOT more of it going on at work, mu haw haw haw!). Yay for Crossing and wow--I would have never guessed you were depressed. But a small thunderhead is hard to notice in the midst of a large storm front...if you get my drift.
Disconnected: Hyper, you're always fun to have around! Heh...Auron oVVnz j00 (or however they write it, :p).
kevinsblog: Kevin...hi? *blinks* Where'd you go?
Solo's Blog: Solo, what you said in your blog about depression actually helped me. It helped to get out those feelings I was trying to voice. And I totally understand about that dream you had--and how it ended.
Real World: Thoughtful inspiration. Something that is too easy to miss if you take it at face value. Thank you, friend, for being so strong in your faith.
1/28/2003 03:30:00 PM
A Good way to Pray
I forgot who sent it to me, but lemme paraphrase it here:
Hold your hand out. You see the four fingers and thumb, right? OK, let's start at the Thumb.
THUMB: Because the thumb is the closest digit to your heart, pray for those closest to you. Your friends, your family members, those you truly keep close to your heart.
POINTER/INDEX FINGER: This finger is generally used to point the way. Use this finger to pray for those who lead us in the right direction, spiritually, emotionally, physically. (Teachers, doctors, ministers, etc.)
MIDDLE FINGER: The tallest finger, and the one that should represent authority. Pray for the leaders--that they have God's guidance. (Incidentally, when used by itself, this finger can express another form of our thoughts on our leadership.)
RING FINGER: Thought to be the weakest of all fingers, this should be used to pray for the "weakest" people. Those who are going through difficulties, trouble, pain, weakness. They need our prayers.
PINKIE FINGER: The littlest finger, and the place that we should place ourselves, according to the Bible (the last shall be first). Pray for yourself. You need God's help just as much as anyone. By the time you have prayed for the other four groups, your own needs will be put into proper perspective and you will be able to pray for yourself more effectively.
1/28/2003 09:14:00 AM
1.27.2003
The good news is, Homestarrunner.com acknowledged their downtime with a great bit of Flash (see 404 DooDoo Error).
The bad news is, I'm still up, fiddling with links.
Why?
*stares at the Puck and Sephiroth plushies slouching on her computer* WHY AM I STILL UP?
*moment of silence*
OK, thanks, God. *blinks at plushies* You know, God makes ever so much more sense than you guys.
*tottles off to bed*
*Puck plush blinks at Seph plush*
PP: We're supposed to make sense?
SP: Shut up before I impale you on the Masamune. The world is just using me, anyway.
PP: Uh....huh. oO;;;
1/27/2003 11:37:00 PM
In the Moment
Song of the Moment: It's Gotta Be You, Backstreet Boys
ReMix of the Moment: Zanarkand
Plushie of the Moment: Puck and Sephiroth
1/27/2003 11:31:00 PM
Why am I quoting this? Got me...
In a quiet alley, Demona puts the fae down. She turns on him, wings flared out.
Demona: *angrily* I wanted you to destroy the humans, not give them the gift of being a gargoyle! *points at Puck* Change the gargoyles to humans!
Puck: *wearily* I must...regain my strength...
Demona yanks at his chain bindings, extending her claws.
Demona: I've noticed you're not too tired to make yourself invisible to the crowd.
Puck scowls.
Puck: *dryly* Ok, ok, I was just catching my breath.
He slouches against a car, then grins slyly at the side mirror.
Puck: *mischievously* Don't worry--I'll do exactly as you ask.
~~The Mirror
1/27/2003 11:10:00 PM
Back to Work
I forgot about yesterday being the Super Bowl, which mean most people would be sleeping their celebratory hangovers today. Which meant little business. Shannon was the manager today, and I was almost inclined to turn around and go right back home. I didn't feel like putting up with him on my first day back.
"God, please don't let Shannon bug me, please, God, please."
And Shannon didn't. The head cook did. (If there was one thing I could change about my job to make it more pleasant, it'd be the head cook's attitude he's developed lately.)
Shannon actually got more pleasant as the day wore on. I even felt open enough to ask him what I might be able to do, career wise, but I got the same response that I did from Shy ("What happened to art? Why not be a teacher?").
I sulked a little bit, but once one of my favorite servers told me how much she missed me, it seemed like the cue for everyone else to chime in. Which made me feel better. ^^
The customers were bleh today. Sweethearts and stiff rudes. All in all, today wasn't half bad.
Made a new friend
I do believe, at least, I think so. Heh, work is one of those funny situations where you meet people, and some become your friends like you expect, and others don't. It's always been hard for me to tell which is which.
The new guy's name is DJ and he's a few years older than me. He's a sweetheart though, and he believes in God (pretty sure, anyway). Turns out he worked with James a year or two before I was hired, and quit to pursue college or something. Anyways, spent nearly an hour blah blahing away about nothing and everything after our shifts. I was startled afterwards about how open I was, but DJ was pretty easy to talk to. He reminds me of me, sorta, in an older brother sort of way. It'd be nice to have another buddy around, so here's to hoping he will be.
1/27/2003 03:11:00 PM
1.26.2003
Super Bowl
I actually watched it. :-| Why? Well...partly to spend more time with my stepdad, I guess. He's the only dad I've ever known, and I don't feel like I've done my part to be close to him over the years. So that, and General Hospital, heh. (I still say Skye is the killer, so BLEH!)
Commercials were kinda funny. I still remember the Super Bowl that had the Pepsi loving goldfish, among other things. I noticed that the beer companies tend to have the best commericals. Odd...
Future Job?
I talked to Shy the other night. Maybe I'm meant to be a secretary or something. All I know is that I'm excellent at taking directions/orders/commands/what have you. Heh, a major-domo. Though I think that is a masculine term...not sure.
Random Writing
The shadowy form screeched loudly, and, in the darkness of the room, turned on David Xanatos. Its eyes glowed with an eerie, unearthly light; it was a bright reminder of how little control the multimillionaire really had over the situation.
"Now, Owen, if you could just cal--"
Another unearthly screech. Owen's favorite paperweight (if a stiff man like him could admit to having emotional things like favorites) was a silvery, small scale of the Sword in the Stone; it flew past Xanatos' head, clattered loudly against the stone wall of the office, and hit the floor with a dull thud. Xanatos' heart was actually racing, though he fought to control it with his usual ease.
The creature had missed him.
On purpose.
"Owen, please!"
The eyes glittered like ice, cold and unforgiving; the light from them shone over the ivory fangs bared at him in a deadly grimace. In a swift motion, the creature's talons dug into the man's jacket, and hoisted him a foot off the floor.
"O-owen?"
The creature snarled, the tone of a belligerent tiger ready to strike at a whim. Xanatos caught the sight of the figure's serpentine tail lashing fiercely.
"Puck...?"
The leathery wings widened slightly, then arched high, warning the human not to push his luck.
"Well," David continued, trying to remain calm, despite the danger, "whoever you are--" Further words were drowned out by his sharp cry of agony as the creature slammed him against the ground. It leaned against him, still snarling, one taloned palm gripping his jacket. "Why are you doing this?"
"Why?" sneered the creature. "Why?!" it roared in his face. "I'll tell you why..." It released him and stalked back toward the desk. Owen's own jacket, the one the servant had lain upon his chair before his unexpected transformation, was still stretched across the back, waiting. The creature picked it up with one hand, and turned to look at Xanatos.
"I served you as Owen. Without question. Without comment. Just simply for the company. But..." Here the creature extended its free hand and slashed the jacket to jagged ribbons. It dropped the collar and ribbons, the remains of the suit, in Owen's pristine marble wastebasket. "...your company is neither fulfilling nor desirable anymore."
"But your promise as Puck--"
"As Puck!" the monster snapped, cowing Xanatos instantly. "I served you as Puck. Protector. Teacher. To be Alexander's mentor. But..." The creature clicked its claws together, conjuring up a golden armguard similar to Puck's. It took the armguard in one hand, and easily squeezed the object into a forlorn lump of crushed gold. Another click of the claws caused the gold to melt away into misty nothingness. "...I sacrificed my home, my talents, everything--for you, for your family, for your personal gains!"
"Oberon said--"
The creature bellowed deafeningly, and lifted Xanatos off the floor again. The human struggled from his high perch above the monster's head, his brown eyes wide with fear, tiny beads of sweat forming in the farthest corners of his forehead. It was like talking to a suicidal person with a gun. Scratch that--a sorely pissed off creature with strength and powers beyond his own.
"I am not of Oberon anymore!"
"I can see that," David gasped, his ponytail dangling past his cheek and brushing the monster's head slightly. "You're a gargoyle now."
"Physically, perhaps." The gargoyle roughly deposited the nervous human in Owen's chair. It stepped around the desk and slammed its talons into the top, drawing its palms back and leaving deep scores in the expensive wood. David groaned inwardly. "I trust you know of the philosophy behind Yin and Yang, the balance of light and dark?"
"Of course," came the cultured reply.
"It's wrong," the gargoyle answered flatly. "There are three facets in each person, each being. Neutral..."
"Owen," David replied, somewhat wistfully.
"...the light..."
"Puck," he answered, showing signs of remorse for the situation he was in.
"...and me."
"The dark." David Xanatos gathered himself, pressed his fingers together, and leaned forward on the ruined desk.
"Yes," the creature hissed in dark pleasure.
There was a dead silence for a moment. Xanatos blinked from behind his hands, and sighed. "Is there anything I can do to...well..."
"Send me away?" retorted the creature, its tail lashing again.
"I do prefer Owen, and Alexander, Puck."
The light suddenly dimmed out of the gargoyle's eyes, and it gazed at its hands for a moment. Splinters of wood rested beneath the talons; the creature ran its gaze to the ruined desktop, and the wings drooped slightly. Alexander...
Xanatos noticed this, and grinned to himself. The creature is thinking twice about its actions. Soon enough, I'll be in control again, and things will go back to normal.
The gargoyle traced its gaze to Xanatos', and suddenly screeched in anger. It pointed a lethal talon at the human, its pointed ears laid back in the manner of an upset cat. "You wish to know what you can do, Xanatos!" it spat, eyes glowing again with the emotional force of the hate filled statement.
"Yes," the man replied, still grinning in that superior manner that was agitating the gargoyle.
"Only this, then--regret your past! Feel remorse for not understanding, for taking advantage of those under your control!" With a blood chilling shriek, the gargoyle lifted Owen's desk and hurled it out the office, into the stony hallway.
In the echoes of the shattering desk, a baby's desperate wail could be heard.
"Alexander!" Xanatos cried out. He leapt out of the chair, past the gargoyle, and raced to the room down the hall, and was quick to pick up his son, to comfort the babe. But Alexander would not be comforted. Fox Xanatos arrived a moment later, and took her son from David; she cooed soothingly to the child, but still, Alexander would not quiet down.
"David, get Puck--he's usually good at taking care of Alexander."
"I..." David faltered, for once left without an answer. When Fox looked at him questioningly, he raced back down the hall, to the space in front of Owen's office. The desk, or what was left of it, remained in a wooden pile of broken timbers. David looked into the office, only to find the marble wastebasket, still upright, the shreds of Owen's jacket lining the bottom.
David Xanatos leaned against the wall and slid down toward the floor, holding the shreds in his hands. Bewildered, saddened, stunned, even regretful...all this ran through his mind. He looked at the dark and empty office, devoid of his most trusted advisor and friend. The multimillionaire sighed heavily, running his hand over his head.
"I do feel remorse, my friend ...so...what do I do now...?"
Author's Note
I wrote this on a whim. All that talk about YinYang or the three facets--eh, I tossed it in for effect. I don't actually believe in it. Anyways, I think I wrote part of this as a reaction to how my old congregation treated me when I visited again last Sunday. If you recall, few talked to me. The ones that did asked for favors. No one wanted to talk to me for me, so I guess I took it out in this passage I wrote? Heh, who knows? Sokay though, I'm happy, and happy in my new congregation. I just had to get that out of my system.
1/26/2003 11:46:00 PM
A Side Note
A lot of Blogspots seem to be undergoing some form of irritation, either "Cannot find spot" or otherwise. So for all of you wondering, yes, it's happening, and no, it's not just you. XD
1/26/2003 10:31:00 PM
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