2.15.2003
"I saw a star beneath the stairs glowing through the melting walls. Who will be the first to begin their fall?" ~~Slow Nerve Action
2/15/2003 10:35:00 PM
2.13.2003
Don't ask who this is for....
"There comes a time/ in every heart/ a time of real decision
When we reach the point of choosing/ how we will live our lives..." ~Newsong (Defining Moment)
"I don't want to go somewhere if I know You're not there..." ~Avalon (I Don't Want to Go)
"Along life's road
There will be sunshine and rain
Roses and thorns, laughter and pain
And 'cross the miles
You will face mountains so steep
Deserts so long and valleys so deep
Sometimes the journey's gentle
Sometimes the cold winds blow
But I want you to remember
I want you to know
You will never walk alone
As long as you have faith
Jesus will be right beside you all the way
You may feel you're far from home
But home is where He is
And He'll be there down every road
You will never walk alone
The path will wind
And you will find wonders and fears
Labors of love and a few falling tears
Across the years
There will be some twists and turns
Mistakes to make and lessons to learn
Sometimes the journey's gentle
Sometimes the cold winds blow
But I want you to remember
Wherever you may go
You will never walk alone
As long as you have faith
Jesus will be right beside you all the way
You may feel you're far from home
But home is where He is
And He'll be there down every road
You will never walk alone
Jesus knows your joy
Jesus knows your need
He will go the distance with you
Faithfully
You will never walk alone
As long as you have faith
Jesus will be right beside you all the way
You may feel you're far from home
But home is where He is
And He'll be there down every road
You will never walk alone." ~Point of Grace (Never Walk Alone)
2/13/2003 04:08:00 PM
2.12.2003
Yesterday, I saw an episode of Digimon (S4), the one about J.P. (the chubby kid) coming to terms about not having any real friends as he was growing up.
How profound....
The end of the eppie found him, like all cartoons do, admitting he doubted his friends, then thanked them for being there and believing in him. "I'm never gonna doubt our friendship again!"
If only it were that easy.
Being fantasy, tv leaves out the lingering afterdoubts. Do they really believe me? Do I really believe them? Do I really believe myself?
Never again, JP? Never's a long time.
I could swallow my pride and say, "Yup, I screwed up again, let's go on with our lives." But do you realize how times I've screwed up, and over all the little things, too? I'm tired of being the stupid one, coming on bended knee and pleading for forgiveness. I'm tired of making the idiotic decisions that land me in the problem in the FIRST place.
And I can say sorry, please forgive me, here slap my hand, as many times as I want...but it's just gonna keep happening. I really do think a lot of you were better off before I got involved. I certainly haven't done anything in the way of the Kingdom. And I haven't done much of anything to be an impact on anyone's lives--other people could have easily done what I did.
So I still hold on my thought to be a recluse. And pray that God will do something.
"And in other news, new theories about the space shuttle Columbia..."
2/12/2003 09:42:00 AM
Here's a Thought...
A lot of you seem to be spazzing out over my last post. Well, tell you what--since I'm causing even MORE pain to everyone, why don't you just forget about me?
Everyone is acting like it's their fault, and it's NOT. It's mine, all right? I'm the one being the problem. Since I keep causing them as well as being one, the best thing to do is to remove myself. So just pretend I finally moved out of the house, went to UNT, or whatever.
Nobody deserves to be hurt by me any longer.
2/12/2003 08:45:00 AM
Puck, the Playful Trickster
Which Gargoyles character are you?
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2/12/2003 12:19:00 AM
2.11.2003
I did promise to write up what's been bothering me yesterday. And it went and exploded in my face, so...well...might as well write about it now.
I finally talked to Shy again the other day. He asked why I never said hi anymore. I asked him the same thing. And the heavy thought barrelled in, the one I didn't either want to identify or recognize as being real. I told Shy about it for a few minutes, and he said...well, pretty much what I've been fearing all this time, but not wanting to admit.
"Maybe it's just time for us all to move on. Our little online community isn't what it used to be."
At that point, something in me just broke, and I sobbed.
He's quite right. Digimon is no longer the same gathering forum it used to be--many of us have drifted from that. Several of us have gone through authoritative positions, family issues, and soul searching. We've all changed in the last few years, mostly for the better. And the thought of losing something that we all shared...it's just too much for me. Hypersensitive, remember?
To be honest, I'm not even supposed to be here. If I had acted my age and kept to my proper responsibility, I would have been nearing a year at UNT now. But no, I goofed off (in actuality, I just wanted to stay with my Net friends), and as a result, I've taken all available ToGo shifts (much to the protest of the other ones), I'm leeching off my parents (yes, still living at home), and I've caused stupid problems, like last night.
And let's not even go into how much I don't feel like a Christian right now. I'd heartily recommend God to strike me down where I sit, but I know He still has a purpose for me...as much as I want to disagree.
Do I really need to put the warning about don't read if you don't want to get upset? At this point, take it as you will. I'm not going to compromise my right to write, or bottle up my emotions, to keep from hurting anyone. I've hurt everyone enough as it is.
Alienation can be self-inflicted. I should know, I'm quite good at it. And I gave myself a heaping handful of it last night, too. If the person I have become is the person I become while opening up and being close to others, then I really despise me. I don't seem capable of love or trust, just wallowing in self pity and accusations. While this recent internet lacking was for real, a few of the times in the past, I faked it--just so I could see if anyone would really miss me.
Shocker, huh? Here's a rotten tomato, feel free to throw it at me.
I toy with emotions. And that, in itself, makes me a very dangerous person. And I dunno why I prefer tragic scenes (animated favorites: Simba trying to wake Mufasa up, Littlefoot's Mother's death scene, the scene of Puck being stripped of his powers, etc) so much, why I like to play them over in my mind. When I had a REAL taste of a family tragedy, I hated it--and I broke away from my family church as a result.
End result of last night's problem showed me: I love Shaun dearly and don't want to hurt him, yet I can't seem to trust him. I feel like I can't turn my back on DJ--as if she's going to steal my friends (though she wouldn't). Everyone else is just caught in the Maelstrom I call my life. Whee.
Let's face it--I seem to cause a lot of problems, and solve very few. I really don't have much purpose being a part of the online community--I'm just there, if even that much. I just cause sorrow and hurt everywhere I go online, and that's not right. No one deserves that. Especially not Shaun.
In my mind, I should just stop coming online. I usually end up upsetting someone. I usually come away upset about something. I don't want to hurt anyone else. I wish desperately now that I had not agreed to pay for the internet access...
My cellphone is broken.
My email is spammed.
I just want to go Home.
...please just let me be...I don't want to break your heart anymore...
2/11/2003 08:54:00 AM
2.10.2003
Most "great" artists were really messed up in the head.
Yes, I'm stupid.
Yes, I'm overemotional.
Yes, I'm (insert negative adjective here).
I hate me. I quit. I'm going now. I've had enough pain.
2/10/2003 10:31:00 PM
Be afraid...Be very afraid...BOOFA! 
Heh, meet my little blob critter--it's something JamesOB started up.
I don't have much time right now and I plan to properly Blog and talk about what's REALLY bugging me at the moment when I come back home, but in the meantime, lemme stick in what I had for the last few days (which isn't much).
~SATURDAY, FEB. 8, 2003~
First day of no internet, and I wonder if anyone misses me. :p
I wonder how long I'll /be/ without the Net. I'm a Net junkie--big time. This will not bode well.
So anyways, I'm writing this in hopes that, soon enough, I'll be back on, I'll post this in Blogger, and things will go back to normal.
Here's hoping.
/Greggo's big 4o/
To think, our oldest manager isn't Ron. oO; It's Greg! Shannon sent me off to get some goofy little "Over the Hill" decorations. It was fun! ^^ I got Greg this silly little bowler hat that said "Over the Hill" and all that fun stuff. His wife and kid came by during the shift, and I so wanted to meet them! Greg admitted that he thought I had been too busy to meet them. Gave him a playful shin kick for that.
Meanwhile, I've been seeing James a little more often. I miss having him around...*whimper* And Shannon's been making an extra effort to be nice to me lately...Oo;;; I think he sees how comfortable and playfully outgoing I am with the other three guys, and he wants in on the fun, too.
Ron's the only one I haven't seen in over a week. *grumbles* Lousy goober. He's still my favorite, but I feel more comfortable around Greg--I can make fun of Greg and not have manager fear. Bleh heh. *hugs her Ron plushie*
/Other Cool Stuff!/
Let's see--if you have ever been to a Chili's or ever will be (and judging by most of your responses, that doesn't seem likely, ah well), look for those chalkboard images they usually keep in the front. The ones with chalk/pastel pictures drawn on them. I'm already working on a test one for my managers. If it works out, I just might get a job doing that. I don't want to get ahead of myself, though. First things first, I need to get past this test one. ^^
Meanwhile, I'm revamping my comic characters for the THIRD TIME. ARGH! I dunno why...
/Early for Costume Day/
OK, so I don't do Halloween--I don't like that day. But I've almost got a Puck costume together. I just need a few arm shackles and white hair dye (oO;), and I'm set! I could always dress up early, get photos, and edit my hair with Photoshop (my managers would have a fit if I showed up with white hair, heh).
You're Spirit!
Which of SpiritWolf's Characters Are You?
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You are burning
What Self-Mutilation Are You?
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2/10/2003 03:38:00 PM
Blobs are cool. So are new links.
2/10/2003 03:37:00 PM
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