2.21.2003
More Shocks
OK, so mom survived. Which is good. Dad thinks she overdosed at my aunt's to get attention, or as a cry for help.
She pulled through, but when we talked to her tonight, she kept saying that she'd pull it off sooner or later. My aunt keeps telling me that's just the depression talking. I hope she's right....
Meanwhile, my dad kept trying to talk to me, but either it was coming out all wrong, or he was being, I dunno, not really mean, but what he was saying was not helping.
The doctors are going to examine her tomorrow, to see whether she needs to be put in a mental facility. Meanwhile, the world as I knew it just crumpling around me. Mom seemed fine to me this week.
And what scares me the most is that I'm turning out a lot like her, same emotions, same reactions, everything. I don't want it to be that way. It terrified me. I want...I want everything to be...well, not happy, and not like it was before my uncle died last May. Just...I want my world to make sense again.
At least I now see the other side of what my runoff bout has done. And I don't know how to begin to ask for forgiveness...but...something good always comes out of something bad, thanks to God.
2/21/2003 11:01:00 PM
A Shock for All Concerned
Well, looks like depression is hereditary.
My mom tried to get out of life the "easy way" last night. Story here
omega reh: First: Ginny. I love you, God loves you, Ron and James and Shaun love you. And they and I will always do whatever we can to help you.
Munh2001: Don't use today as an excuse. For anything.
AuronLuver: just be?
Munh2001: *hugs*...yes
AuronLuver: *nods* Just be.
AuronLuver: *nods* In any case, I am not blaming God, or asking why He is punishing me
AuronLuver: And 97% of me agrees this wasn't my fault
DeusExMachina92: yeah I know, and that's always a good thing ;-) too many people do that
AuronLuver: the other 3% seems to have control over my stomach right now, though
DeusExMachina92: so.. why does the other 3% say it is your fault?
DeusExMachina92: cos.. even though it's only a small amount of doubt.. that's usually all that's needed
AuronLuver: the questions:
AuronLuver: did I spend enough time with her
AuronLuver: did I let her know that I loved her enough times
AuronLuver: did I do something wrong...?
AuronLuver: stuff like that
AuronLuver: "Was there something I could have done to keep this from happening?"
AuronLuver: that's the big one
Ron: Ron speaking, how can I help you?
Ginny: Ron...
Ron: Yeah?
Ginny: It's Ginny.
Ron: Oh, hi, Jenny, what's up?
Ginny: I can't come into work today.
*silence*
Ron: ???
Ginny: I know I work a double and all--
Ron: Oh, Ginny. Why? What's the matter, darlin'?
Ginny: My mom.
Ron: What, what happened?
Ginny: Mom...*bursts into tears* ...tried to...suicide...hospital
Ron: Oh no. ....Well, you listen to me, don't worry about work today, ok?
Ginny: *strangled sob*
Ron: I've got you covered, you just keep me informed, and we'll see you later, all right?
Ginny: *sniffled* Ok.
Ron: All right, take care, darlin'.
2/21/2003 08:53:00 AM
2.17.2003
Zarnarkand theme playing
I hate you I hate you I hate you!
*tears well up*
No, I don't. I just...God...I...
*bursts into sobbing*
I hate this!
I don't...life is so wrong...I can't...it just isn't right anymore.
I hate me...I hate me so much.
i take your hand
kiss it good night.
it doesn't mean
that all is right.
traverse the web
wander the street.
what do i want
who do i seek?
my star, fallen
but yours shines bright.
past the darkness
into the blight
of men's frailty.
and yours shines bright
past the sorrow
into the night.
though rain may fall
and hearts may die
your spirit soars
with it we fly.
who's wings are clipped
who's grounded here?
who hides away
when God is near?
i smile sadly
and i laugh light
it doesn't mean
that all is right
but leave me here
live on with joy
you no longer
live as my toy
reach for heaven
and cry anew
"God, please take me
back Home with you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And here does And in Other News... come to an end.
If only it had ended on a better note.
I still take full responsibility for my actions, so I still refuse forgiveness.
And one wonders, when we pray the Lord's Prayer: "...and forgive us our trepasses as we forgive those who trespass against us...", do those who trepass against us include ourselves? A sobering thought indeed.
I kiss your hand and bid you goodnight.
2/17/2003 11:44:00 PM
2.16.2003
Just want to be caught in that flood
"I've had my share of heartache / I've felt the sting of pain
From standing out in the desert / Praying for rain
I've seen my lonely teardrops / Fall down my lonely face
Oh how I long to hear the / Thunder roll again
And I want to be / Swept away in Thee
Only You know what I need - so
Open up the sky, rain down Your love
I don't care if I never get enough
I just want to be caught in that flood
So open up the sky, yeah
Open up the sky
I've had my disappointments / I've cried a time or two
These showers of love I long for / They only come from You
Now I want to go deeper / Fall in over my head
So send Your Holy downpour / And let the healing begin
And I can't wait / To be swept away
Only You can stop the pain - so
Open up the sky, rain down Your love
I don't care if I never get enough
I just want to be caught in that flood
So open up the sky, yeah
Open up the sky
Wash me away (Wash me, Wash me)
'Cause I don't think I can wait another day
Open up the sky, rain down Your love
I don't care if I never get enough
I just want to be caught in that flood
So open up the sky, yeah
Open up the sky" ~~FFH (Open Up the Sky)
2/16/2003 12:01:00 PM
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